Goodbye yesteryear, I'll see you tomorrow.

I feel a strong urge to blog, which is weird firstly, given the time( 3:36am) and secondly because my blog for some strange reason cannot be accessed at all, as in I can still type out my entries, but my blog can't be viewed by the public who type in the url. So it's almost like typing to myself. But the fact that the urge remains strong despite those two reasons point out one main thing, that this entry is an honest one, not something I intend to write out of any ulterior motive or not something I write for any intended person. The thought is refreshing as well, cos it also suggests that I find myself interesting enough to want to have a silent one-person soliloquay kinda entry. Ah, so many things to say, where do I start? Like if so many things have happened in your life and u wanna spill all, but u forgot what the head n tail was of the story to be able to arrange or give any kind of structure to ur account. Also, its tiring to want to remember the sequence cos not all the events were pleasant memories that are worthy of recollection but I'll spill as much as I can without subjecting myself to anymore undue pressure and pain. These past few weeks have been CRAZY, to be honest. Emotional as always, family issues as always, results didn't do anythign to make things better. The first few times, two times to be exact that I cried to myself whilst praying. And I realise how crying helps, and that crying is often spurred by a bout of self pity, but relieving all the same, cos when u cry ur just fully focused on the pain and misery alone, and everything else is shut out, its a way or addressing ur pain and facing them squarely, highly therapeutic especially for those who have been running away and suppressing all for the longest time. I miss my grandpa, I really do, but I'm taking it much better than my aunt who's been crying at the slightest things that remind her of him. And whilst I can't blame her, my cousin pointed out that its rather selfish of her to cry and make it harder for my grandpa who has left. But who can blame her eh? Like I said crying is therapeutic. I love so many people, like my mum and my grandma, but loving them sometimes becomes the hardest thing to do. Especially when they appear to be the cause of your misery, but of course I don't mean that, I can never mean that, I love them to bits, but they're oblivious to the pain they put me through sometimes and then its hard not to hate them, at those points atleast. I guess given the fact that its new year and all, I should do a kind of round up reflection nd resolutin of sorts, but the fact that everyone wants to wait for a new year to start bettering themselves with optimistic vows and resolutions is ironic, cos why wait when u could have done it way back? But thats probably a tad too cynical, I mean perhaps the new year makes it more apt and customary, but remember theres no right time, the right time should be the moment you realise there's a need to change. Mahatma Ghandhi said, "Be the change you want to see". Okay thats not all too relevant but still worthy of mention. My 2007 has been life-changing in many ways, primarily because I lost one of my guardian angels, my grandpa. Its funny how you start missing someone so much when they're gone and when they're around, you take their time here for granted, never do that, atleast not for too long. I suppose this entry will have alot of the little lessons I've learnt, maybe if I have time i'll highlight all those little lessons in a different colour just to quantify and see how many lessons actually colour this entry. Then again, this entry might not even be read, by anyone else I mean given how my blog URL can't seem to be accessed. I've met many interesting people, the kind I've never had a chance to befriend before, teh emotionally unstable ones and the volatile ones. I've had a taste of how friendships can be so taxing and stifling and leaving you greatly stranded at times. Yet, its a step, it has taught me that there are really so many kinds of people, and just when you think you've got it almost figured out, someone surprises you. Its amazing, cos you can never really be too sure about anything, the moment you are, will be the exact moment before life throws another shock and revelation to cast doubts on your once-entrenched certainty. My dreams of yesterday, or yesteryear remain the same this year, not because I've left them unfulfilled, but because these are the kinds of aims and resolutions that remain a continuos process of self -betterment, to be a better Muslim, to be a more empowered individual, who's confident, hopeful, excited, dilligent and disciplined. The same old same old resolutions because you can never really be perfect in any of these, or even when u think u've got it all nailed, there's still chance you'll stray. Allah has been amazing to me in so many ways and things, I am again left humbled and in awe of his Greatness. From the way he prepared my family and I 3 months before my grandpa's death, from the way I still scraped through my exams despite the slackish efforts, despite the fears of leading a committee, despite the family problems and fights, depsite bouts of insecurity and pain, He's guided me through it all, leaving me brave enough to take pride in my efforts but humbled enough to realise that nothing would have been possible without his guidance and help. So many things I wanna talk about cos I feel so much wiser after this year, like how we humans, me included just enjoy bringing some people down. Its an inherent need to bask in the satisfaction of pinting out someone's flaws, all the time ignoring the fact that the only reason why u enjoy doing that is because ur greatly flawed and insecure yourself. I've met so many people, directly or indirectly and formed so many views and impressions of them, but I ask myself at the end of the day, who am I to think these things or to claim to know them? Actions can be mis-intepreted and mis-jugdged and everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their actions cos you can't know someone so well to be able to judge him or her. At times, I feel like this wisdom makes me smirk on the inside at how some people bask in their ignorance and how they paint for themselves a false representation of their lives, only because they haven't really gotten teh chance to face their issues squaely. There again, that was a judgmental statement, but yeah well. I pray and hope that this coming year will bring new experiences that help me understand myself and those around me better, that will continue to help me in my pursuit of becoming a better Muslim, a better daughter, grandaughter and a better person who not only dreams but realises, who not only talks, but walks, who not only claim, but proves. I hope to be the empowered leader and girl I've always wanted to be, to ease up on my fears and be a little more selfless in my strive for perfection. A bit too cliche and complicated, perhaps even a tad too optimistic but its a start and I will try my best, Inshaallah. Special mention must go to those who have stuck with me through my toughest times, like Kai. I cannot begin to describe how much you've done to help me ease my troubled heart, how you've tolerated my screaming, my tears, my irritating nature and always went out of the way to make me smile. Like the time, on the 24th dec when I needed to submit my competition report to Tekka Mall by 12 noon but I only managed to complete the editing by 7am that day, and both of us haven't slept the whole day before but you stayed up to accompany me, with your words of encouragement and with the offer to print it out for me and meet me that morning only to realise that your printer cartridges were running low on ink, too. I planned to go to school in the morning to get them printed at about 9am, so that I'll have sufficient time to print the 3 coloured copies and then rush back to Tekka Mall in time. BUT, I had to succumb to the temptation to lying down on my bed, and wallah next thing I knew it was 10 plus am, I freaked out liek crazy, woke u up, took a cab to school after rushing to withdraw money and after realising the color printer shop near my place wasn't opened, and then print the copies, and got you to save the copy for me on a Cd and meet you at Tekka Mall. You sacrificed your sleep, even after a night of no sleep, and rushed to Tekka Mall for me, for no gain at all, but just to help me out. The other time when you bought me spaghetti cos i was craving for it and had it sent to my door step, or ok lift lobby. AND like today when life was once again unbearable what with the stress my family was giving me, you agreed to picking me up and sending me to Mustafa Centre to get my assessment book fo my tutee and then send me all the way to her house for tuition, waited for me and then sent me home only after me giving you a hard time about the whole wiper thing. You are amazing, and really I mean this when I say you are my God-sent angel, and the things you've done for me, like burning Cds of all teh songs and movies I like without my asking, just affirm how very special and wonderful and how kind someone can be. I love you, thank you.

And friends like Susu, who I trust and pray will remain my friend for life, Amin, n all my othr beloved darlings, thanks. =)

I think I'll end this entry with photos, for pictures speak a thousand words n risk ending up with a thesis like entry. Happy New Year, may you be blessed with happiness, love, peace health and success!=)