Confessions of a 2 decades old girl

I love dancing. I do. It makes me happy, just give me a good beat and I can totally immerse myself in it, moving to the rhythm n coming up with what I would deem good choreography. But all this, I can only do when I'm alone. Put me in a room with other dancers, and I chicken out. I dunno, insecure perhaps? Of my ability or of what people would think. Whic brings me to the next overarching topic of how insecure I really am. I discussed this with susu yesterday. and She came up with the deepest cheemest stuff like how keeping things to myself is my self defense mechanism, just like how some people lie to themselves to protect themselves, or just choose to stay distant for the fear of getting hurt should he/she be too committed. Which is an interesting thought, and I've got to give it to the girl, she knows me well. Though there may be a more complex story as to why I choose to keep things to myself sometimes. Just a few reasons why, I think I understand myself best, which makes it tiring to express myself sometimes cos its hard to make some people understand, but i have got to give my friends credit, they do know me well. Next, I think I'm pretty insecure about who I've been and who I am. Always had insecurity issues. I remember scrutinising and psycho-analysisng since the tender age of 10, everything I'd do was scrutinised, not by anybody else, but me. It was stressful, cos I had this idealised version of myself, and who I've always been always somehow paled in comparison to that shiny admirable alter ego I always wanted to be. But today, 10 years later, today, I realise u become that ideal person when u can love urself, for all ur flaws and all ur strengths. I have to learn to do that. I haven't achieved that just as yet, but i will Inshaallah, I will.

tu as une passion particulière? (is there anything ur madly passionate about?)

All u need in life is PASSION. ZEST for life, love for life, passion for life. LIVE IT! Seriously, think. No matter what life hurls at you, what melancholy you have to go through, no matter what woes you have to mend your heart through, if u have unbridled passion for life, for all its goodness, undying excitement for what it COULD BE, how can u go wrong? You'll keep rising above all that sadness, you'll soar. You will. You can't go wrong with passion. You've never quite alive without passion. Have it, let it fill your hearts and souls with its mind-blowing strength and presence, let it transform you, let it keep you happy. Love with no restriction, live with full passion. Passion people, passion. ich liebe es. =)

slagger

Slackgger

I'm not sure why but it feels like I've lost the ability to focus. What happened to the disciplined kid I once was. Oh dear, time to buck up. Straighten up Khairah!

Relax, take it easyyyyyyyy

I've bought 2 pens today, so what big DEAL. But yeah I like the pens, and its these little things that make me happy and all the more contented. And I actually can't wait for New Year cos I can't wait to actually start using my new organiser, its this brown faux leather rectangular organiser which was a steal, since it was going for $3.50 at Mustafa. HAHA, cheap thrill. Speaking of Mustafa, they have the best, weirdest, unique and WIDEST range of anything and everything la. There was this point when they were actually selling CARS lah, hahaha, but i mean the capital cost of selling cars is obviously huge, and the need to work out the warranty, insurance policies and rival the other specialised car dealers was perhaps a tad too risky, hence the stop. And the fact that they open 24/7 and is located minutes away from my place, makes it a dream come true. BUT not all that fantastic la, if you've been there on a weekend, worse still if ur drving there on a weekend, you'll be hurling expletives and profanities like there's no tomorrow, right Kai? So anyway, Life's not too bad right now. My body's ACHING like crazy from last saturday's dance practice. Ji Rong was right after all, ahah when she said our bodies will hurt, I didn't quite think I'd suffer the same fate. Oh well, the effects of staying too inactive for too long a period. But stressed lah, I can't seem to remember alot of the dance steps already. :( Sigh, see how lah. But those who are keen to watch the dance concert, it'll be on the 28th Feb, at VCH 740pm, so make urselves free k!

Last night I had a pathetic 3 plus hours of sleep cos I had to wake up at 6plus this morning to make it for the Aerobics Photoshoot at 8am. The disadvantages of having a club whose name starts with 'A', you're always the FIRST one. I guess its the same fate some kids suffer in kindergarten right up to jc. Like how if ur name starts with 'A', well hey, ur the first oral guinea pig, or if its Z, then good luck to you in trying to beat the already predetermined bell curve and excite ur already brain-dead teachers. See, that is why I have vowed to ensure that my kids ( when I do have them, Inshaallah) will have nice, practical names that won't subject them to undue pressure and that includes not naming them names like Isnin bin Jumaat ( for that my husband will have to be Jumaat, and heck no I dun want to have to marry a 'Jumaat' guy) or weirdo names like Pippi, Singapura, Jambon, which are all real names of real people, except for the last one of cos, but hey I wouldn't be surprised to know that there actually IS someone by that name. I like my name, Nur actually means light, and Khairah, goodness, put both together and what do you get, this angelic girl with this mystical halo made from beams of light of goodness. HAHA. But I actually dun like the Nur part, it makes it sound so malay, which is not to say I dun like malays, just that I dun like a name that seems to portray me as someone or something I'm not, would have been better if it was just Khairah, or Kyra. Haha, exotic sikit.

Ok what else do I want to talk about? Ah yes, today I met up with Yiwei after the photoshoot, and ended up as the only 2 breakfast customers at BK, Deck. It was good catching up and all that. This girl will be leaving for Brisbane soon come 31st Dec, for 4 months! And sad thing is, she just got attached. No not sad that she got attched, I mean of cos thats a happy thing but sad la right, newly attached happy happy, during the first stage of ur relationship when u really can't get enought of each other, (the total opposite of whats to come in the later stages, bu NVM bout that now), and yeah they have to be separated, but not just for 4 months, but 8! Cos her boyfriend's going for his exchange program to germany after that. Anyway, I'm sad, cos all my wonderful comm members like Yiwei, Agnes, Iris who're in their final year will be leaving soon! Sigh, so sad. But well, we can always keep in touch I guess.

Oh, and I can't believe I haven't mentioned about the whole emceeing stint last Sunday! It rocked! It really did! Hahahaha, I spoke in 4 languages, bits here and there and everyone found it funny and impressive I suppose. Even Doctor Lee found it impressive, but then he started asking me too many things in Mandarin, obviously over-estimating my ability, and yeah I just kept saying "Wo keyi chiang Huayi, keshi yi tian tian". =D And it felt good when people didn't know came up to me to congratulate me on being an 'entertaining' emcee,entertaining could also mean 'lame and stupid' but hey, as long as they're happy. But nice lah, glad to know that I could still rouse up an elderly bunch, I think I'm actually up to future emceeing possibilities, so yeay!

Okay lah, too much rambling, I'm going to visit my Grandpa's grave on Thursday Inshaallah, and going for the Bintan trip in the first week of Jan, both of which I absolutely can't wait for. k bye!

Size issues

9 million American adolescents are either overwieght or obese. A big deal of course, but not entirely surprising eh. I mean take a look at their diet, pardon me if I am generalising, but watching many of the Hollywood productions is enough to derive an idea of the kind of diet the average American has. Pizzas, burgers, pizzas, the unhealthy BIG sugar-coated donuts and black coffee for the beer-bellied cops and the rich salty scrambled eggs and bacon at the neighbourhood bar for breakfast served by the generic sweet faced, witty PLUMP bartender. Enough to derive a highly accurate picture of their lifetime diet. But who cares, I guess in the list of the many side effects and costs of prosperity, obesity has got to be one of them. I remember being really plump as a kid, many may point out that I still am but what I am today is NOTHING when compared to how fat I was. Hahaha but it was a happy time lah, atleast I was always somehow spared teh misfortune of having to join TAF (the Trim and Fit) Club for FAT kids. (Notice how TAF is the reverse of FAT, I bet its no coincidence.) I was always lucky cos my growth hormones were thankfully working overtime and I had my growth spurt at about 8-10, meaning that I easily towered over the rest of the kids in class, both girls AND boys. SO whilst I was in no way horizontally challenged, being tall sure helped. :D
But yes, like Karma, the tall one then will be the the short one now. I the person who never ever had height issues have an inferiority issue now, and its sad la. Haiyo, who would have thought that I'd stop growing at a measley 161cm! SHORTY. See how a national crisis has somehow dwindled to become a discussion of a personal inferiority complex. :D

Oh, I'm totally freaked out by the Prima Deli food poisoning issue! STAY away from them you guys.

hello, life has been quite packed even without all the fun hanging out shopping sessions I've always wanted. Now its alot of competition meet-ups for teh hr competition, saturday i have dance practice for the mj dance alumni concert which I'm not sure if i want to go for, sat afternoon i have this bursary award ceremony, sunday I have an emceeing stint for my block party and I'm actually a little nervous cos its been like a good 2 years since jc2 since I last emcee-d. Then again, its just gonna be a bunch of fellow old aunties and uncles in my residence, fellow grassrooot leaders n Dr. Lee, so should be okay I guess. Next week the holiday aerobics classes will kick off, and I'm excited. Thank God we came up with this, now I hear HnF is planning to follow suit. KPO. hahaha.
Oh and just now, some guy from the RSAF sembawang camp called my house to ask regarding the aerobics instructors. Apparently, the army is intending to hire 3 FEMALE instructors for their ALL MALE crowd as a motivational ploy. WTH. haha, but i forwarded him carine's number la cos it'll help her as well right, all that extra moolah. When asked how he got my contact number though, he said it was frm our website, and when I checked after the call, none of my contact details were listed. Which means my contact details must be lurking somewhere out there. So weird, and I've got to find out lah, I don't want some tom, dick n harry, calling me regarding aerobics at my mobile or home number.
Today was one emotional day, something happened, something I think is best left unmentioned, but it made me miss my grandpa so much and made me wonder how life will be without my grandma. And I started crying so much thinking of how empty life will be without the both of them, I must actually be one of those few ones who actually cry in anticipation of a death. SO morbid, but I really don't think I can stand my mum alone. She's become this ulra paranoid person lately who's got no trust and faith in anyone, and whose paranoia and mistrust is geeting the best of her, and of myself. I wonder for how long more I can take this, especially since its already so bad even with my grandparents around. Ah, I think I'll just go get myself a room in the residence if my grandma leaves too, and just keep myself away as much as I possibly can. I just pray that I have enough patience to see her through her old years cos really even at 20, she's wearing me down. Well, forget it, its pointless to talk about this anyway. Hope your day's better.

In other news

i feel like blogging some more. Its 2:38am now, and I'm supposed to have a meeting with the YEC people at 930am. I've not made it for the past 5 meetings, since they started their term of office, but it really wasn't my fault, either the severe lack of sleep or fate was against me attending those meetings. But tommorow,or rather later will be different. POst exams period can be so fun lah. I mean nothing really rivals this feeling of having all the time in the World to do anything you want, or absolutely nothing( the latter wins anytime) and still feeling so accomplished at the end of the day, basking and seeking refuge in the knowledge that you deserve this break. I have so many plans, but liek I said, I feel like a different person now. I do inend to make those hopes of becoming a better person a reality, and bits of this grand plan include me attending Islamic classes at the Darul Ma'wa Assciation for converts ( is that the correct name for it?). I described to Kai last wednesday, how I had this image of me wearing my long pretty flowy brown skirt, with this turquoise top, and a brown turquoise scarf wrapped around my neck, complemented by that gorgeous rattan Accesorize bag susu got for me, and wearing simple comfy brown flip flops walking down Arab Street searching for Islamic books in English and doing my bit of soul searching, before finally settling down in the Sultan Mosque where we had prayers for my Grandpa's jenazah, to seek solitude and reflect yet again. For that I'll have my long black cardigan stashed in my rattan bag. Then I'll plod down to the National Library and borrow novels I never got the chance to borrow and read to my heart's content. Then I'll celebrate my sense of independence with a touch of class by buying myself a hot cup of Mocha from Starbucks at Bugis Junction. Then I'll go window shopping which in a matter of minutes, will (without a doubt) be more than mere window shopping. And I'll have fun by myself. Hhaha, I've become such a loner lately, but its nice, I've realised that spending time alone is as important and as fulfilling as time shared and spent with loved ones. A far cry from the Khairah who once cringed at the idea of eating or shopping alone when Huda told her how she doesn't mind doing that. I've come a long way, and its strange and comforting all the same to be where I am and to realise who I've evolved to become in so short a time span. Its Saturday now and I've not done that teh whole shopping, soul searching bit I've been intending to do since Thursday, but nevermind I will soon, and I know it'll be fun. :) In other news, I miss susu. and I can't wait to hang out with the girls. :)

Don't give in

My grandpa's been gone for nearly 2 weeks now, and his absence has probably taught me more than what I've learnt and what I always thought I've known in all the 20 years of my life. Its intriguing how death can change so much, how it evokes so much pain, anger, emotion, regret, contemplation, acceptance, blame, grief once again, worry, fear and a great deal of reflection on where our life is headed. A bitter reminder on how life is full of uncertainties, and how death is a very real ordeal, something everyone will experience, and something that will change your life when its a loved one that you lose. This is perhaps the first major loss my family has experienced, a man of great character who stood through the odds, always putting his family first, even if it meant having to sacrifice his wants and needs. A man, who for me, filled the void left by my father, and who will remain as far as I'm concerned the only father figure in my life. I can't say I have recovered from this loss, who knows, I doubt I ever will. Yet, I'm grateful that I 've got this chance to grow up with the love of my grandparents, who've always made me feel like something special, someone worth loving and cherishing. I've been always treated like the little princess in their life, from the royal treatment in the mornngs when my grandpa would rush tp wake up in the morning to make milo for me and spread jam or butter on the bread which I would wolf down before rushing to school. My grandpa will stay awake till I leave home, even up till the first sem of my first year in NUS. If it wasn't my grandpa, it'll be my grandma. Till today, my grandma does the same thing. EVerytime I leave for school, she will rush with the greatest sense of urgency to prepare breakfast or lunch for me, and if I happen to have an exam to sit for the same day, she'll rush to pour me a glass of Zamzam water (holy water) and read me some prayer before I leave for school. The night before every exam, she'll accompany me through the night, most of the times giving me a back, head and shoulder massage to ease my tension. I am thankful, beyond words for my grandparents, for having had this chance to live with them for nearly everday of my life, for having experienced this strong bond and love only grandchildren have with grandparents. I am so lucky. Nevermind the fact that y parents are divorced, my grandparents more than make up for the loss I never quite felt. =) Thanks Allah.


I guess it must be boring reading again and again about how I am still trying to get over my grandfather, but he's just so precious, I can't begin to find the right words to describe this loss. My grandpa's passing has been my first exposure to death and its life-changing effect. Everytime I think of my grandpa and of the many memories of him that I hold close to my heart and start crying, I tell Allah how I dont think I can take the pain of another death, how its bound to tear me apart. Yet, I do know it will come, perhaps the next time for my grandma, but how and when I don't want to think. I don't want to imagine. I was re-reading my recent entries and there was one where I was describing my day with my grandparents where they found the slogan on my t-shirt funny, " Trust me, I am a girl" and how I ended that entry with thoughts of how I would feel when I do re-read that entry sometime in the fduture should my grandparents cease to be around, and how today when that is the reality, I hate myself for saying what I said, cos it always turns out the same exact way I though it would, only this time I'm feeling it for real, and not just imagining how I'd feel it should it happen, and when it happens.


Life. Death. Both life-changing in their own right. Somehow, death has become more than a rare occurence now, everywhere I go, I receive news of death, The national dragon boaters, my friend's friend's sister, my granduncle, my grandpa, some other blogger's grandma. Death is suddenly on the rise, and the high frequency of its occurence, is a painful reminder of how our life too, is numbered, maybe in years, months, days or even hours. Young, old, we all have to go someday. My grandpa used to say this, " There is no difference between the lavatory and the cemetery, when you have to go, you have to go". Hahaha, see la , he still amuses me. I love you grandpa. I hope you're okay. I really hope to see you in Heaven someday. Inshaallah.





Anyway I logged on to blogger with a very different topic in mind, about this novel Kai lent me today, about this Pakistani woman who fell victim to the unfair, grossly unethical and atrocious way of living of the old villages in Pakistan where the rich have the upper hand in deciding what is right and wrong, where they take the law into their own hands, often deciding to take out their vengeance and establish their sense of superiority by taking it out on the poorer and innocent women who had nothing to do with the problem, and whose only fault lied in the fact that they are related to the accused man. It sucks. This account, 'In the name of Honour' is the true account of the struggle of a peasant woman, Mukhtar Mai who was gang raped after the richer men wrongly accused her 12 year old brother of 'raping' their 20 year old sister. Their way of meting out justice? They, ( a group of 4 men) gang raped her on the cold hard floor of a stable, before throwing her out half naked to the stares and jeering of the merciless and heartless villagers. I just couldn't continue reading. Everytime I think of what she must have felt, how she must have begged, pleaded resisted, cried, prayed, all to no avail, how they made her feel cheap, dirty all because she is a woman, I feel so sad, angered. Yet, what is it that I can do? Ya Allah, this world is so full of pain. People can be so evil. I'm so fortunate to be born in a prosperous city where equality exists for the most part especially towards gender rights. I don't know what to say la. I mean thank God, this lady, Mukhtar Mai didnt' succumb toher initial suicide thoughts, and instead chose to channel all that sadness and emotional pain towards finding a renewed course of action that seeks to better the lives of other Pakistani women. She fought back, bringing light to the very real challenge and inequality that women around the World face, and making the World take notice for once. She has received funding and has managed to set up a school for girls, doing what she can to rival illiteracy, inequality and poverty in her region. It is heroes like Mukhtar who manage to find the courage and determination within themselves even after such tragic fates, that give me a renewed belief and hope for a better tomorrow. Let us all pray for those who have left us, those who aren't as fortunate as us, so that they are able to garner enough strength to overcome thier targic fates and make a difference to this World. I have decided to join the Asian Women Welfare Association (AWWA) soon, Inshaallah. Fight women, fight. Equality is our right, not a privilege as many deem it to be. Let those ignorant bastards understand that.

Much love

Much Love

At 4:21pm today, I told you I was craving for Spaghetti. Then at 7pm, you asked me to go down to collect the spaghetti bolognaise you bought from Delifrance and take the donut you bought. Then I fell too ill to eat, it was a bout of flu and some serious shivering, despite being layered in my thick already-layered sports club jacket and under the not too thick, but not necessarily thin blanket. Pish then commented on how I'm so fortunate to have such close and nice friends. And I agree, true friends are those who do things without asking, who do what they know would please you, and who'll travel the distance to be with you when you need them most. Friends and others like Kai, Susu, all my tkg babes, jip, adilah, adibah, hani etc etc etc. Thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart. Especially to those of you who came to be with me on the day of my grnadpa's funeral. I love you all, you are the precious few I know I can count on, come rain or shine. If you're readng this, know that, the feeling's mutual.:)

Allah loves him more.

My grandpa returned to Allah SWT on the 19th of Dec at 1:21am. May Allah bless his soul and save him a spot in one of his Heavens, Amin. To those who visited and who have suppoted me all this while, I'm greatly indebted and highly grateful. To those who care, do say a prayer in his name, Mohamed Ghouse Bin Mohamed Ibrahim. Thanks darls.

I'll have you to miss

I wanted to update on Linkin Park but I haven't got the mood to somehow, knowing that there are bigger things in my life to reflect on. This afternoon at about 2 plus pm Sharon the nurse from the Hospice and another unfamiliar looking doctor came over to check on my grandpa. They did the usual check-up, asking the routine questions, like what medication he's on now, does he uriniate or pass motion, does he have vomiting tendencies, does he eat, etc, etc. I was there standing in the middle of the room answering the questions, and at times translating the questions to my grandma who knows better, and then translating them back to the doctor and the nurse. At one point, Sharon the nurse called out to my grandpa loudly, and his eyes shifted to her direction, and she commented on how he can still respond to our calls. I felt proud of my grandpa then, cos I realised then how much of a fighter he's been, how brave he's been to bear all this pain, with very minimal wincing and shouts. How despite the toll of this liver cancer on him, he has remained so strong and fought back. 3 months ago, on the 13th of August, the very first day of school for this sem, we received the crushing news of my grandpa's condition. That day, the doctor who spoke to my aunt gave my grandpa a time period of 3 months at most. Today, its the 16th of nov, 3 days past the 3 months period, and the doctor who came over today when asked by my grandmother, gave my grandpa at most another 4 days to live. Whats it with these numbers? Its like stamping this 'Best before' date on him. First 3 months, now 4 more days, soon it'll be hours. Time catches up so much it makes me want to cry. I've been so busy with school, my attention's been taken up mostly by the endless assignments and presentations, and now I've left like this sick child with a small heart, the size of a baby's palm, worried crushed, anxious. I don't want to lose my grandpa, I don't want to imagine how life will be later, without him. Hani always said she admires my courage and my ability to cope with things, but today I think I finally realise the reason behind this apparent ease of 'coping' with this tragic ordeal. I've just tried to push it away from my mind, never really seriously considering the possibility of my grandpa gone. Everytime I'm with him, I either cry or I end up feeling slightly irritated by his incessant requests for me to scratch his back. Oh God, I don;t knwo if I can even continue typing this. I remember that as a child, I would frequently pray for Allah to take my grandmother,mother and me together should the time come for one of us to go, simply because I didn;t want anyone of us to have to bear the pain of losing the other, maybe I should have included my grandpa in those prayers. But I guess it was the natural thing to do since as a child I've grown up only with my grandma and mum. I don't blame myself of course for anything, its just that this pain of losing someone you love so much is terrible. I've always admired people who have managed to get their lives back on track after losing someone so dear, and time has come for me to do the same. I want to cry my eyes out, I want to reminisce on all the many memories I have of my grandpa, the man who has always been selfless when it concerns his family. He sacrificed as a man right up to his early 70s when he was still a security guard at the Singapore Cricket Club. He'd tell us those Sang Kanchil, Momo Taro stories repeatedly starting with the same unfaltered enthusiasm as if we were hearing it for the first time, relate his endless painful memories during WW2 when he was oftentimes abused for looking too much like an Eurasian. Life was tough for my grandfather, but he stuck through all of that, managing to raise a family who will forever be indebted to him.
If there's anything I'm happy about though, its the fact that I have constantly reminded my grandpa of my love for him, and how I will strive to make him proud and how he ought to be proud for having truly lived his life, whose success ought to only be measured not by the mass of wealth accumulated but by the number of people who'd miss him when he's no longer around.
Okay, I believe that this ordeal will leave me a changed person, Inshaallah for the better. I'm imagining myself in Germany next year doing my exchange program, looking both forlorn and wise, carrying this past in my heart, and having to bear that feeling of missing him endlessly but knowing that he'll still be with me every step of the way.
I feel like changing my life completely, be the better person I've always wanted to be, disciplined, more in touch with Islam, humble, the quiet achiever who's aware of herself in all that she does and decides. Inshaallah. Allah, guide me through this and thank you for having blessed me with an angel for a grandfather.

LINKIN PARK WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Updates soon!

Oh this is my 81st post. Thats coincidentally my grandpa's age . But so what right, I mean I bet a thousand, million other things are 81, like how there may be 81 trees on a certain street, or 81 family members in a certain place, or someone's house unit number is 81 or somehing, well anything. Haha, I am so rambling. Anyway, speaking of which, last tuesday I had my german vocab test which followed 2 nights of 'intensive' memorising, -effective or not, I'll find out soon- and if you take german 3 in NUS as well or you have frens who take the module, you'd know that there are a good THREE Vocab lists to memorise for each vocab test, and each list can be like a good 6 pages each. SO YES, unless you've got a superbrainiac over-porous sponge of a brain, it is unlikely that you can remember EVERYWORD, especially if you do the whole memorising thing last minute lah which is obvious always the case for me. But I digress. There was this particular word that my eyes managed to catch hold of just minutes before the test, and it was "die Leere, ~n" : which means emptiness like emotinal emptiness, actually I managed to cram in one other word just secs before the test too, but this word none of us had trouble remembering- "Kopflos" merely because it means panic-stricken- no prizes for guessing who the unlucky ones were-. At the end of the day, I had grand plans of hibernation, but all hopes of catching up on that necessary beauty sleep were dashed, when I realised I had my EDB presentation to submit the next day (which is today lah) and so I was staying up late to rush through that, until my body and mind conspired and decided they could no longer take anymore sleep deprivation and at that point, I guess I must have been in a rather sub-conscious state of mind, where I'm both alert and and dazed in a trance-like way. At this point, I typed 'Leere" out onto one of the slides I was preparing. I mean wah laoooo, hahah what kind of sad reflection of my current mental state is that?! I mean just like I said, Leere means emptiness in german, and to write such a thing when ur sub-conscious is highly disturbing cos what's THAT supposed to mean?! I have an empty mind ah?! Hahahahaha. But yeah I've always had such experiences lah, there was this other time when I was similarly shagged beyond redemption but stubborn enough to want to stay awake through the night, and the next thing I knew I was writing so many weird food names and ingredients, my notebook was starting to resemble a full recipe. I remember in particular, teh word 'chilli'. Hahaha, disturbing la. But interesting right? I suppose this whole state of sub-consciousness is akin to that of drunkeness where there is a temporary lapse of judgment, freeing you to say or do what you otherwise might not. Sometimes that could be good though eh, I mean imagine if you have a big womanizer husband, who happens to be World's greatest actor as well, and then one day he comes home drunk and lets his guards down, and ends up spilling all the beans of his extra-marital affairs. Then again, some women belonging to the staunch 'What I don' know won't hurt me" faction may prefer not knowing, which is something I cannot comprehend but shan't talk about today.

Okay, I am so shagged, I best not continue.. But recent updates: School is hectic, if not crazier that ever. I made two German friends on Tuesday (Alex & Mark). I was so excited to find that they're germans that I practically did a cheer. =) Today has re-enforced my belief that Allah is truly great. Mashallah~

Alles sind jetzt in Ordnung.

Today I realised that I'm quite a winner, that my english is better than that of the average NUS student and that I do unintentionally appear to be quite an uncaring, no nonsense bitch: which isn't true right. Quite affected by the third realisation, especially when its one of my friends who feel that way. Mashaallah. In other news, I have survived CRAZY- two MAJOR presentations-German orals- Wednesday! Yeay, life's back in order now, gotta hit the books already.

Cos I've been gone for far too long

Wow. My door bell has been ringing like once every other hour. Lke there are a gazillion visitors streaming in and out every time, I've lost count of how many there were. And its funny like everytime teh door bell rings, there's this element of mystery or suspense, like who knows what's ( or who's) lurking behind that door, okay maybe not the same kind of emotion lah, but something like that. I skipped my stats lecture today and I know kai's gonna start on her "HOW COME UR SKIPPING SO MANY CLASSES" lecture again, which is only gonna irritate me to no end, and thus impel me to shut her up with a retort that'll be along these lines, "why do you sound like my MOTHER?" It works everytime. And I feel guilty everytime I skip another class, but atleast I do attempt to go for make-ups in the same week, so perhaps I shouldn;t be too hard on myself. The thing that I've been forever MIA-ing is Stats lecture, and that spells doom lah, cos stats isn't exactly my forte. OKAY, but it will be, cos I'm positive and I will try my best and prove the world wrong. HAHA.

I've been analysing this whole Airbus A380 conflict between the Alpa-S (the pilots' union) and SIA and trying to fit in all sorts of management power and conflicts theories, its driving me crazy. BUT, I've been doing this since 10am this moring mind you, and now its 4 pm, and I've got 6 pages down thus far. What's the maximum number of pages, you ask? Well no cap really, cos this is a group project, whose presentation will be NEXT week, and I'm so scared cos everyone else seems to have this view that our presentation will rock so much, it'll leave Dr. Wan speechless. Don't ask me how I know, just the feeling. I realised yet again, that I'm theall impractical irrational perfectionist who will put hours into one assignment and then be at the mercy of LDMR, meaning that the amt of effort put in will not be reflected in the grade I eventually get. Which is miserable news. I should stop thinking so much and get back to work.

I'm gg to get Ellie one of those World Call Cards so she can call her father and her SNAKE catcher of a husband. My family's been making fun of her snake catcher husband to no end, cos the idea's funny, and exotic all the same, how one catches snakes for a living. I mean hey, these are the kind of professions we watch ppl do ON TV. OMG, i sound so much like an ignorant urban chick, it's repulsive.Expounding on this whole topic of her husband being the snake catcher, I must add that my family has this strange affinity for animals, like all animals. My grandparents can imitate the cow in the Marigold milk advertisements soo well, I'm starting to think they are the real stars of the ad. My mum has this whole enraptured and mystified look everytime she watches any kind of reptile show, like the expression which has both disgust and curiosity, the same expression she has everytime she hears Ellie relate her stories of when her husband actually does go snake-hunting. Oh, just in case ur clueless, Ellie's the new domestic helper who's, get this EIGHTEEN. I feel so tua LAH. And I like Ellie. Okay one more point to corroborate my point, my family's of the consensus that the all time fun famly outing will include a trip to the Lower Pierce Reservoir nature trail road, were we get to watch the MONKEYS. There, I'm starting to think we're all animal descendants, which is true lah, evolution-wise, but yeah perhaps more direct than that.

I've been sleeping like a pig, and it sucks. (There, we really must be animal descendants.) HAH. I've got STUFF to do. I can't wait for my exchange to germany, I WANT TO DO HONOURS! ANother realisation: debates always get me excited, even when they're in GERMAN. Last week during german lecture, Frau Verry split the class into two, one assuming the stance, "Fairytales are important", I was sadly on the opposition side, because hey, I do believe fairytales are important! I mean I could go on and write a thesis on why I think Beauty and the Beast incucates the need to look beneath the surface, for whats true, or how its important to want to dream and find your true love, even if your soulmate's some poor, skinny Aladdin. And yet, I guess I must have been rattling too much in heart-wrenchingly imperfect German, that Frau Verry asked me to stay quiet. YEAH she did the whole, zip you mouth action. But its ok, I still love her, she rocks! I mean where else can you find a Russian, French, German, English, and BAHASA INDONESIA speaking woman?! Many a times , she'll just break into Bahasa, leaving my darling cina frens clueless, hahaha what a change from the normally mandarin-using mystifying classes I'm in. Yesterday we had another debate in german, this time in tutorial, with me proposing the notion- Deutsch macht spaß, which means German is a lot of fun. I had proposed the notion with the intention on being ont he opposition side, but alas I'm always on teh other side. I think we won lah in the end, only because my tutor must have been inclined to making us win, i mean she's got to think German is fun, right?

Okay time to go, will be going to Wisma later, to get my eyebrows done, then to Wan Yang Foot reflexology in PS, my aunt's treat. WOO HOO. Have fun peeps. Live your life! Live the dream rocked lah and that was like the second time I caught it, I can't wait for By Definition to start selling their records. Singapore's got talent. Power. OK BYE.:)

Trust me, I'm a girl.

Hi, I'm in the Mac near my house right now, here with Pish and we're studying. Well, fine, so I'm blogging, but atleast I did attempt some managerial accounting questions just now. Pish, on the other hand looks like she's concentrating fully on her work though, ah no, her phone just beeped, and she's replying back to what I assume (correctly) would be a SMS. I feel really bloated now, the unwanted and UN-NEEDED effect of just having wolfed down one of those UPSIZED student's fillet meal, a mere half an hour or so after eating half a packet of large fries. Ahh, no good, and soon I'm gonna feel breathless, feel the effect of my heart's aorta constricting and the pulse rate rocket to a sky high level, and then die of a heart attack. Yes well, so I shall just blog about my life and what's worth mentioning before I actually do die. Eh, this is scary, what if I actually do die after this entry, then maybe I'd be famous or smtg ( though whats the point in being famous after you die-REFER to the pavarotti entry), famous for having predicted my death, though I doubt it'd be the same cause of death as envisioned, but STILL. Woo, maybe some car will run me down or MAYBE whilst returning home, some guy decides to commit suicide and jump to his death only to land on me, and I suffer the brunt of the impact of his fall. Sheesh, such morbid thoughts, at such an early hour aren't exactly good. Oh great. My batt's like 32% filled now, and its depleting like crazy and some guy is hogging the powerpoint, well not exactly but he's definitely blocking my access to it.


Anyway today, the lifelong impression that I have of my two grandparents- that they're extremely funny, maybe even the World's most adorable and cute grandparents was somewhat affirmed today. See, I was wearing this Tee Shirt that said "Trust me, I'm a girl" and when my grandpa saw it, he read it out loud. Sticking true to his gentleman-self and obviously thinking that he owed my non-english educated but nonetheless exceptionally bright grandmother an explanation, he elaborated in Malay, "Oh, She's trying to say she's not a boy lah!" And I went on to say, in my most irritating but affectionate way, "See grandma, grandpa's smarter than you. He can read my tee-shirt." (YES, i know I sound so rude and irritating like that, but trust me, we're so close, we're comfortable enough to actually chide and kid with each other, so yeah don't misunderstand.) Hearing this, my grandmother being the all egoistical lady that she is, and wanting to prove me wrong, retorted, " Hey, I can read okay. and then she read out loud, with (I must add) perfect diction, " Trust me, I AM a girl". So yeah, instead of "I'm", she said "I am" but hey, that was good right! hahaha, and not needing an explanation, she went on to say, " But anyway, where's the need to state that ur a girl?! You have boobs what!" HAHAHAHAHA. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's my grandma for you, the all funny and CRUDE grandmother. She rocks la eh. :D





OH, there, me in that funny tee shirt. :D


HAHA, okay, this is weird but I can actually imagine myself, some days, months, maybe years, (who knows?) down the road, looking back and re-reading this entry, only to rekindle all those memories of my beloved grandparents. You know the thing with me is that, I can actually imagine the future, so much so that when it comes, it doesn't really evoke the effect and feelings it otherwise would and by right should, when it comes unexpected, and not foretold of. But then again, these "memories" I can only have, if I actually survive the cardiac arrest, the suicidal man, and the speeding car later on. Only time will tell. Check this same space tomorrow for news on the outcome. No news, you ought to know the outcome.

Selamat Hari Raya!! :)

Okay, I so need to blog. The white blog's screen that appears everytime I decide to write a new post is alot like this new clean slate, fresh, untainted for all your refections, which one can argue to be the spilt ink that stains it all up, or if you're more positive, the wonderful colour that spruces the otherwise dull white. Today, I realised more than ever that I feel so D_I_S_T_A_N_C_E_D from my frens, and yes that was done to emphasise the point. Like all my friends, the tkg ones, my mjc ones, every other one of my rather limited and small social circle, and its sad. Have all of you forgotten me somehow? I guess its the effect of life and the many obligations we have, which steal us away from the joy and companionship of our loved ones. I need so badly to hang out with everyone, catch up, and to bask in the knowledge (that doesnt seem so clear at this point) that I still have my friends to count on.

It could be just this passing phase, as susu calls it, and I reckon it is, but still its here, and perhaps will stay for some time, until I do get to meet all these lovely ppl. I think somehow, I have always been unimportant in many peoples' eyes, like the second choice, or the face in the background to fill their social circles, but never important enough, its depressing, to say the least , to feel like this and this is quite unlike me, but nevermind, if thats the way it is, I shall just have to make do with those who care enough. No need for the pretense and masked genuinity, I will seek for genuine love.

Ah, this entry is so pathetically full of self pity.

Forget it, Eid Mubarak everybody. Hope you had a blessed one! :)

I'm loving me.

You know when sometimes you feel this great urge to blog or ramble on about something, and then realise that when you actually start, that you've lost ur muse, ur inspiration, and the words just evade you. Then there are other times, when you have so much to say, cos you've experienced this epiphany thats so moving, you just HAVE to talk about it. Now will be a moment that belongs to the latter category, and I'm glad. Cos such epiphanies are precious, and life-changing in many ways. Cos you go through life, living pretty much a routine like cycle everyday, with a few unfortunate events, shocks, and surprises that leave you guessing, and then you have epiphanies of some kind that leave you changed in small, but no less distinct ways. And its great when that happens, cos I realise that when you have such epiphanies, life has really changed for you, that you have grown in quite a significant way to be able to realise soe truth that concerns you, cos this journey we call Life of which we're mere players, is really about finding your true self, and what is true for you, so these rare epiphanies, resemble the great leap of knowledge and acceptance of the truths in your life, simply put, the achievement of what Life had set you out to do.

My epiphany today may sound cliche, and perhaps all epiphanies are somewhat cliche in their own way for what you regard as an epiphanic moment in your life, must have been the same epiphany for someone else sometime ago, and may become that of another person tomorrow, so they're all cliche to some extent. Yet, the epiphany only becomes true when its yours to claim, when its yours to realise, and when its yours to uncover. So no matter how cliche or common it may seem, it can't be too similar, cos we're all unique individuals each with his own set of experiences, that are bound to shape your feelings towards these epiphanies and the effect they have on you.

I realised today that no matter how absorbed you can be in knowing about the lives of others, or how much they seem to mean to you, that nothing or no one can ever be as precious and important as yourself because you are yours to seek and cherish, and its an amazing feeling to know that you have yourself to rely on, to persevere with and to overcome the obstacles life hurls at you since nothing or no one could be more reliant and dependable than you yourself. This may seem like a sad realization, that may even pass as being selfish, but its a truth we should all accept, cos loving and taking care ofyourself must come first, before anything else. I have had trouble coming to terms with myself at times, because I am constantly striving to realise this much idealised ideal me, and because of this, I have been hard on myself, even to the extent of finding it hard to love myself, but this will change to the best of my abilities, for whilst its not wrong to want to be the best you can be, you won't be getting anywhere if you can't, first and foremost learn to love who you are.

Endless ramblings of an over-active mind

Today, at about 1 plus pm, I realised that the not-so welcomed THAT time of the month friend, had decided to pay me a visit, a good 3 days before the end of Rahmadan. Why lah?! Haiyo, I love fasting, its sucha special feeling, especially since this happens only every once a YEAR! You'd think the damn period that comes once a MONTH would have enough patience to wait, but nooooo. Don't tell me I'm being unreasonable, because I already know that, just well, can't help feeling disappointed. Bleargh. So I was telling Kiran just now about how I think I must be a damn evil person and that maybe its because I have been bitching a bit too much lately, that I'm now deprived of the chance to fast. I've been complaining to everyone who cares enough to listen, until I decided to stop whining and get myself a good Fillet students meal from Macs. I didn't eat there la, I ta-bao-ed it home and smuggled it into my room before locking the door as discretely as I could before devouring it like any fillet fan would devour a sauce-dripping fillet and the crunchy, golden totally-addictive fries. And, I realised whilst eating, that nothing quite compares to eating, and the feeling one would get after finishing a meal, but realising you're still not that full, only to realise to ur disbelief, that there's this one loooooooooooooooong golden fry that was left untouched somewhere in that bag. I tell you ah, food completes my life la, Mac food especially.
And then whilst I was eating, I was somewhat imagining of how I would look, on the huge screen thats supposed to play all ur life's events on Dooms' Day- guilty, greedy and sinfully happy. But its not wrong to eat in Rahmadan what, especially since I did it discretely right?

Okay, and I skipped my finance tutorial and German tutorial today, meaning I ended at 2:30pm today and Kiran drove me home(she's sucha darl) and now I feel so much happier. Eventhough I am yet to have started studying for the stats test which is, lo and behold, TOMORROW. There's something seriously draining about having lessons from 9am to 8pm. They should have a cap as to the number of hours of lessons you can have in a day, because seriously its bound to be unproductive unless you're some supercharged, just-hibernated-last-night kinda person, which at this point I am the complete opposite of. I need sleep so badly, I must resemble a walking zombie, and I couldn't help nodding to sleep in Management just now, which was so embarrasing especially since its a seminar style class.

But, all's good, I feel a lot more optimistic right now, cos it feels strange to be at home at about 3pm when there's still sunlight, cos everytime I reach home, its either way past 10pm or at the very least after 8pm and like the saying, theres power in knowledge, knowing that I have about half the day left to do ALL the studying I want gives me so much more enthusiasm. I shall go now, oh but not before I share some things I read from yahoo just now. Did you know that plants can 'sense' the presence of other plants around them? Supposedly, they can tell this by the intensity and reflection of light in the area. Likewise, we can use their inherent sesitivity to light as a means of 'communicating' with them- like if you shine too much light in a certain area, the plants get the hint, and would hence grow in the direction of the light. Okay, that bit I suppose you would know of already, but still cool la, plant communicating with other plants. Like doesn't it make you think about all the possible ways of communicating, other than that involving noise and sound of course, like ants, how on earth do you think they communicate? In all the 20 years of my life's observation of ants, it appears like they kiss each other before moving forward, or maybe its their sense of smell, like ur supposed to have a certain kind of smell, before you're recognised as one of them, to remain privy to all that food sharing information I suppose.

Next, some 139 year old shipwreck had been uncovered in the depths of the Alaskan sea, and they found many relics and parts resembling major parts of the ship, like what appears to have been the core of the ship's steering wheel, even wine bottles, now all covered with coral, seaweed and algae, playing 'home' to a gazillion sea creatures.

What's the point in all this info anyway? I mean what's past is past, and I'm not exactly anti history, -take it from a girl who has done history for 6 years of her life-, but I mean how is a bunch of relics uncovered on the ocean floor, long buried, long dismissed important? I think its important to learn from history, cos what better way is there to prepare ourselves for what's to come? Yet, sometimes things like this, are just so un-important, that it seems like we're running out of things to discuss and talk about, or to reflect in our news. Sure, its interesting, the idea of finally uncovereing a ship that was last seen in 1868 must be at the very least exciting, but what real purpose does this discovery serve? Maybe its a chance to observe and study the intricate structure and fascinating works of the past, yeah perhaps thats it. To appreciate relics of the past, to appreciate the 'return' of all that's been gone for so long.

On another random note, I can't wait to drive, illegally or legally. If I don't pass the next time I take my test, I swear I'll drop the 'legal' option and just hit the roads.

There'll only be enough happiness if you have enough pain and sorrow

My goodness, it feels like eeons since I last blogged. This blog is nearly dead, 'nearly' because this is a new entry lah, but other than that, I guess it fits the criteria of being a dead blog already, haha. Hmm, I want to blog about every other thing that has happened, but there'll be no end, and because there are so many things, I don't exactly know where to start as well.

Okay, I shall keep it BRIEF.

3rd oct was my grandpa's 81st bday, and obviously this year's one had to be special, cos it could very well be the last one we celebrate for him. Had lessons till like 8 freaking pm. Kai was such an angel for fetching me from school and so we rushed over, and found that my place was crowded with my aunts and cousins and grandaunts and uncles (that was sucha weird order). It was a really nice gathering, with the compulsory video tribute-dedication thing adding a nice touch to the whole day( with me being the camera-woman cum interviewer(for lack of a better word) for the most part. Every grandchild and child had his or her own dedication and reflection for my grandpa, after watching the video yesterday, I think this video may very well be one of my family's most prized possessions. Displaying humour characteristic of everyone in the family( yes it runs in the family), my grandpa who donned a garland of orchid flowers, when asked why he was wearing it, said, "I'm running for PAP lah". :D He's so cute.

Okay, the all necessary photos.

6 of the 26 grandchildren my grandpa has (and his sister)

Okay that was my favourite photo of the night. And you know what, this photo actyally makes me sad, cos my grandpa's condition is really deteriorating. Everytime I see him, he's either wincing in pain or shifting about, only because no position is comfortable enough for him. Everytime he asks for someone to scratch his back or to help him get up, he would soon start crying and apologising for troubling us. Its so sad that he is still concerned with not troubling us even when he's in such pain. Its really painful, excruciating, whatever pain reflecting word exists, to experience this, but Allah will get my family and I through this and if there's any good in this, this trying period has congealed us as a family once again.

Okay see lah, I wanted to blog happy things and now I feel down again. I'll be going for the $88 tickets Linkin Park's concert with Juz since no one wants to accompany me for the $148 tickets. Okay I'm not exactly feeling very enthusiastic about it now, but hey, the excitement will come back. Its Linkin Park what!

I must go now, next week will be one shitty week- 3 tests Managerial accounting on tues, stats on thursday and german vocab test on friday, but I've had worst, so I shall just stay positive and do all I can to pull through, Inshaallah. At the top of my current to-do list is to stop blogging this instant, and continue with my studying, which I shall comply with NOW, haha, take care y'all, bye!

The never ending obligations of a jam-packed life.

I am busy, busy, busy. I have promised myself a lengthy,much deserving, honest reflection in 2 days.

I love this girl..

No matter how many disagreements we've had

No matter how many times we've hurt each other intentionally or not


No matter how seldom we meet


No matter how we're way too busy


No matter how we never succeed in curbing each other's tendency to splurge


No matter how rarely I say this,






I love you lah susu. You rock my world, totally. Here's to hoping that you'd remain (indefinitely) the constant that you have been since 2002. Hope you had a great birthday, and I will always be here for you. :)

Hands held High

I think this song holds so much meaning, and portrays the truth representative of life today. Another amazing piece from what I think is the best band of our time, Linkin Park. OMG, I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THEM PERFORM. Please, please let me get tickets, Allah. Amin.

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump on my mind, I summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Feeling the blind I promised to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we marched to the drumming

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Miss something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I had before
Like the stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and the fan and poor
Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank
These fuckers are laughing the way to the bank and cashing the check
Asking you to have the passion and have some respect
For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus]Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen[End Chorus]

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen
World is cold the bold men take action

Have to react to get blown into fractions
Ten years old is something to see
Another kid my age drug under the jeep
Taken and bound and found later under the tree
I wonder if he thought the next one could be me
Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the guts with bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew up the mosque yesterday
There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes
My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine
On the back, he handwrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus]AmenAmenAmenAmenAmen

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

His hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

What Shampoo did Jesus use?

Rejoice!! :)

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to update. Fulfilling my obligation to tell the world the bits of my life? Taking time to take stock of all that happened? Or just to fill the boredom. I think its all of these really. If I don't update for so long, it feels odd, like something left undone that I have to get done else this horrible egging feeling won't cease to bother me. Yet, I can't help but concede that I love blogging, and that it really shouldn't matter who reads my blog, or what they think of it, or why I'm even doing this, because if anything, I'm having fun, and God knows how much I need these little breaks, to tear myself away from the hectic life that is mine right now. Okay, so what was it I wanted to talk about?

Oh yes, we have a new maid now, ok correction, a new domestic helper (doesn't maid sound a tad too derogatory?), to help out with my grandpa. Oh and that's another piece of news, my grandpa is finally home after the 3 long months at the hospital. He looks really frail and even thinner from the last time I saw him. Its like, everytime I see him, there's something about him that looks different, and its not something I can put my finger on, but its still there, and the change is always quite drastic, making him look unfamiliar at times too. IF anything though, I am absolutely glad that he's home and close to us, for it makes it a lot more bearable emotionally and less tiring since the journey from clementi to tan tock seng isn't exactly the most convenient trip, especially not for someone with a 5 day week timetable.
We've gotten him a new sofa bed from Ikea, and tried sprucing up his part of the room(for which my aunt takes sole credit for) and things are quite good now, and this is the best I've felt with regards to my grandpa's condition since that fateful day when we learnt of his condition. So, ALhamdulillah, I am grateful to Allah for giving us time to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally, and for this priceless time that has allowed us all spend a bit more time with him, to let him know how much we love him.

Oh, this domestic helper that we've got, her name's Ellie, not sure how its spelled though, but its supposed to be pronounced that way <"Ell-ly"> so I suppose that should be right. She's quite nice, rather quiet though and at times I miss this other domestic helper we had for four days, Wiwie who was alot like a big sister. She was definitely more chatty and it felt good having an elder sister, even if it was for a few days. Anyway Wiwie had to leave(something about her Visa), hence the arrival of Ellie. You know when I think about people like Ellie and Wiwie who are in their early 20s if not below 20,I am humbled by the blessing that Allah has bestowed upon me, so that I am part of a realatively well to do family in a relatively prosperous part of the world, both of which have pretty much secured my future for me. Imagine on the contrary, if you had been born into a poor family in an even poorer country, what little choice would you have but to go seek for wealth in the lands of those who are more fnancially equipped, as domestic helpers, or as odd job labourers where strenuous labour if not sexual services are offered as a compensation for the lack of education. It is a pity really, for what fault is it of theirs for them to have been 'assigned' such a fate? Or what choice do they have other than to toil hard in the lands where proper respect is only reserved for the wealthy, just so they can earn that extra cash?

I know Allah is fair though, for although we may be better off in many ways (financially being the most obvious), that doesn't make us any more privileged or blessed than those who don't. For when you have very little of something, that doesn't by default make you unhappy. On the contrary, I think it is often those who have relatively little in life who tend to treasure the small little things that they have, making them a lot more happier than those who can't be as appreciative especially since they have everything and have always had everything.
Its like a trade-off between happiness and wealth, which of course isn't always the case, I mean of course, there are those who are both wealthy and very much happy, and those at the other end of the spectrum, who are poor and embittered.

No matter where you are on that wealth spectrum, bear in mind that you've got a choice on where you stand on the happiness spectrum, for it really doesn't take much to be happy, especially not for those who try. Just look around you and I can guarantee that the very first thing your eyes catch hold of, will be symbolic of atleast a dozen other things you should rejoice for. :)

My funny Devil Friend

Hi, I've been away for awhile, schedule's damn packed, I barely have time to sleep. But, I want to wish all a blessed Ramadhan, may this be the best one yet for you.Amin. Speaking of Ramadhan, just thought I'd share a funny conversation I had with this friend of mine from India, who's quite all set to lure me into hell just cos my MSN nick was "I love you, Allah". :)

'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
u love sum1 or u love allah??
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
n if allah ... lolz.. is it the time for u to go n meet him?? is it.. so this buttering to allah is for tht or wat?
I love you, Allah. says:
hahaha what buttering
I love you, Allah. says:
i love Allah ok
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
yeah coz he might juz trasnfer u to hell
I love you, Allah. says:
why is that
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
wat do i knw... u must have dun sumthin which is not ethical!
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
lol dont worry i will surely surely meet u in hell
I love you, Allah. says:
hahahahha, yes possible. but im trying my best to redeem myself from the depths of heaven man
I love you, Allah. says:
n no thats my biggest worry really, seeing u there
I love you, Allah. says:
hahahaha
I love you, Allah. says:
form the depths of hell i mean
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
yeah me toh not even tryin... everytime i try ... there is sum or d other sin committed... by mistake or by purpose.. m a born asshole
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
ab wat to do
I love you, Allah. says:
den nvm lah
I love you, Allah. says:
maybe u can start making frens with those who are surely to go to heaven, maybe we can get u out
I love you, Allah. says:
notice i said WE
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
u knw wat... those kinda friends really bore me.. n lol wat made u think u goin to heaven? lolz
I love you, Allah. says:
i know lah, cos i've got frens who're surely gg to heaven
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
u r goin 2 hell wid me
I love you, Allah. says:
so u know networking n such
I love you, Allah. says:
n they'll help me
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
yeah but everythin settles n my side wieght is more .. they cant help bail u out frm my friendship u c
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
so u goin to hell in any case u c
I love you, Allah. says:
damn is that right
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
yeah
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
thts so right
I love you, Allah. says:
den i shant be frens with u anmore
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
u choose tht really?
I love you, Allah. says:
sorry milin , but this is life n death man, u knw i love u, but heaven beckons
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
n u knw wat.. m plannin to take over devil
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
i will make hell living heaven man
I love you, Allah. says:
right. go ahead then. let me knw how it goes
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
u need to support me!
I love you, Allah. says:
nein, tpp much risk man
I love you, Allah. says:
*too much risk, not a worthy investment, my finance devil fren
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
lol wats fun wen there is no riisk
I love you, Allah. says:
yeah but when the risk's too high, itd be a lot like shooting urself int he foot
I love you, Allah. says:
or head
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
lol.. no there wont b any bullets inside even if they attempt to shoot
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
lol
I love you, Allah. says:
why not
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
anyway wat u upto
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
coz i will remove every bulllet b4 i declare myself tht m here to compete wid devil
I love you, Allah. says:
well, i was TRYING to study when a certain devil fren decided to lure me into hell
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
i will setup everythin
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
ooo so sad.. u study .. go aheah.. i shall lure u laterz then
I love you, Allah. says:
hahahahah i managed to instill patience into a devil fren! woo hoo! that must be some achievement
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
yeah it sure is an achievement
'Milin' - on sleeping pills.. lets c how this helps now! says:
bye love ya.. in real ok?? not juz as a friend!! muaah ta
I love you, Allah. says:
so love that one has for a fren isn't real ah?
***************************************************************************
Yes, thats Milin for you.:)

Of roti and gummies; pig shaped gummies no less.

OMG, pavarotti is dead. I'm so sad! He's one of those few ppl whose names I can make fun of (Think bread in malay), and one of the few ppl whose wax replica I've taken a photo with, at Madame Tussaud's. And for me, an opera dummy (whose idea of an opera cannot extend beyond 'Phantom and the Opera') to actually know his name and his achievements must really speak of how great an operetta he was. He died of pancreatic cancer btw, after a year long battle. Well, like my grandfather so eloquently puts it, "There is no difference between the lavatory and the cemetery, when you've got to go, you've got to go". May his soul rest in peace. Have you noticed this sad trend though? That, a myriad of titles, recognition awards and prestigious gifts are only awarded when such marvelously brilliant, talented, accomplished individuals die or are near death? In fact this is largely the case for nearly every accomplished individual and if theres some consolation for thoe who give these awards when these people are NEAR death, there is no consolation whatsoever,for those who choose to are give it out AFTER they've passed on. Its really sad. Like how the Italian government had earlier this week honored him with an award for "excellence in Italian culture," and La Scala and Modena's theater announced a joint Luciano Pavarotti award. (I copy and pasted that from yahoo)


You see, why acknowledge someone's contributions after he's gone? Why not while the person is still around and alive and may then truly appreciate the recognition. Perhaps, its just a way of ensuring that this really accomplished person (no matter who he/she is) won't get too big headed and forget himself should there be endless appreciation and recognition in the form of these awards and ceremonies. Or maybe, the idea of someone being dead justifies the act of recognition by a whole lot more, making it more deeply imbued with sincerity and gratitude, for now that this person is really no longer there, its easier to feel heart-felt gratitude that is hard to distinguish from the sadness and sympathy that one feels at his passing. But wouldn't it be a great deal better if we can let the person know that his efforts are not in vain and that they are highly appreciated while he is still alive? After all, it is to him/her that we ought to be thankful and not just to show the rest of the world how thankful we are.


Anyhow, I skipped my stats lecture today, which is BAD ATTITUDE, KHAIRAH. So yeah, I didn't leave home at all. I didn't even go for the Exchange talks. Ahh, nevermind I'll just fix an appointment with one of those ppl in charge of exchange programs and ask her all that I want. I tried studying a bit but sad to say, it remained an attempt. Whilst "studying", I noticed a great number of things


1) that the ants that have been hanging out around my table are really from the kitchen, and I saw this hugeeee crazy long trail of them, and I killed all of them. Evil, i know. It really felt like an extermination.


2) I also noticed that I get distracted WAYyy too easily.


3) That Aerobics never leaves my mind. I have sent out gazilion sms-es (Oh dear lord, I'm so afraid for my bill) to so many aerobics ppl to organize so many things. Bleargh.Cos a certain type of uneasiness just overwhelms me (by default) whenever I'm not in school. This really feels like a 6MC module.


4) And I also realised that I have many many things in pink!

And that the pink packet on the extreme left of the picture was manufactured in Germany! And like true Germans, the gummibears in this packet were really gummi-pigs! Whose brilliant idea was that?!

And being the easily distracted person that I am, I actually took a picture. Of the pig.

There the gummi pig and a distorted gummi pig. Cos I don't like them. Actually ah, it kinda looks like a rat, eh?

Whatever. STUDY, WOMAN.

the squashed little brown dot of an ant

This is supposed to be my 67th post, according to Blogger, which has to be right la of course. I'm wondering why I'm even blogging right now when I had with so much zest and drive scribbled a list of "to do things" for today at 2plus am this morning including the time I must have each task done by. Like for instance how I am by right supposed to have completed my managerial acctg assignment by twelve noon today, but I woke up at 1:01pm so you should know the outcome of that one. Or how I'm supposed to have completed my german homework by 4pm but its 4:03pm and here i am BLOGGING about the unfinished german homework. If its of any consolation, I suppose at the very least, I am sticking true to myself, the skiver, procrastinator, let's-do-things-that-make-me-happy-nevermind-if-they're-completely-pointless me.

Okay I've just killed two ants. No three. Where the hell do they come from? I've always made it a point to respect all living things, big or small because I mean imagine if you were an ant and one second later, you're this flattened brown dot having been squashed by this pale gigantic long, tentacle like thing, whch really is a human hand but I mean how would an ant know right. Or maybe they do, maybe their parents or the queen ant or smtg has briefed all the other tiny worker ants to watch out for this tentacle like creature that is sure to squash the life out of you. I pity ants lah, I really do. I mean they're hardworking creatures doing all they can to find food only so they can survive and feed some queen ant or smtg. Wait, do ants even have a queen? Or is it only for the bees? No I'm certain they do. But yeah my point is, I don't have anything against the ants and I may even like them especially after watching that Pixar ant/bugs animated movie -Bugz or was it Antz? Goodness, what has happened to my memory? Meine Gedachtnis ist jetzt sehr schlect. Ich bein sehr traug. My memory sucks now, and I'm damn sad. Okay I think its Antz. Anyway yeah I like ants, cos I think they're the exact opposite of what I am, ahaha small and hardworking. But there has just been too many lah, and I can't possibly share my home with ants. I mean hey, if it was just a few of them, I'd welcome them with an urm, open heart, but there are so many of them, I'm beginning to suspect that its probably a plan to stage a revolution and take over the world, or my home which might as well be the world in their point of view. So I've got to do something and that something is just to kill them in the fastest possible painless manner I can think of. In fact because Mairah's mum claims that its sinful to kill ants, I have been saying "Bismillah' everytime I kill them, just so it'd ease whatever pain they may feel everytime I kill them.

My goodness, I've just blogged an entire entry about ants. How mentally stimulating and riveting.

I think I'll go clear my messy dusty table now. Make my mum proud and find the source to all these ants once and for all. Amin.

Ratatouille

Goodness. Everyone can't make it for Ratatouille today! I've contacted Hani, Adilah, Ting yi, Huda, mairah and everyone has something on! Except for Kai of cos. :D I'm thankful for Kai. Hahaha, I can't wait to watch it later! Woo hoo! Heard that the reviews for it gave it an average of 4 to 5 stars, so I'm realllyyy looking forward to it. It feels like eeons since I last stepped into the cinema. In fact come to think of it, my last movie was 'Simpsons'. Okay so that wasn't too long ago, but well it sure feels like it. Maybe cos my timetable this sem sucks big time. On mondays, I end at 12noon which isn't too bad of cos, but with project meetings, and the interview sessions to select the new aerobics comm members and the yoga duty I have no choice, but to volunteer for, my mondays end at 6pm. Tuesdays also 6pm. Wednesdays, don't ASK. 8 freaking pm. Thursdays are not bad and if I don't have to stay back for kickboxing duty till 6pm *cross fingers* I'll actually end at 12 noon. Fridays start late from 4-6pm.

Okay come to think of it, its only the first few days of the week that are cut-throat days and thurs and fridays are not too bad. Just that aerobics has been taking so much of my time lately, my nearly free days tend to become full days. Oh wel, I'm not complaining. Just reflecting. And things are bound to get better lah, after the new comm members have been selected and the duty roster is fixed for good, cos then I won't have to do duty anymore cos apparently, chairpersons are exempted from duty. heehee. :D

Yesterday was good cos I ended the day with german lecture and then paid a visit to my grandparents who btw are both warded in Tan Tock Seng. But my grandma's just been discharged cos she attempted to run away a few times. Hahahahha, and I AM NOT KIDDING. For those who don't already know, my grandma's the more adventurous kind who refuses to be cooped in the hospital cos it restricts her by a great deal and believe me, she's not one to be restricted. The nurses received the brunt of her unhappiness, cos according to my aunt, she has been scolding them for every little thing that they do like when they wanted to do another ECG on her, she fired up, and asked them why they had to do it so many times. Or when the doctor claimed that she has a bit of diabetes, she refused to believe its true. Hahhaha, you've gotta give the nurses your utmost respect man, for the indefinite amount of patience they have. My grandma is one funny person lah, so stubborn and the kind who will have nothing in any other way but hers. Fortunately or unfortunately, some of these characteristics have passed on to me. But she's hugely entertaining, extemely open minded and a very people's person making her the all time perfect grandmother. :)

Okay now I wanna talk about my german lectures, I think Frau Vierry is really the best German Lecturer I have ever had, which may not be a big deal considering I have only had two in all my life in NUS - her and Herr Kim, but still, she's really fun lah. Yesterday she made all of us practise pronouncing the letter 'z' which in german will sound like "tsssssssset". According to her, if you pronounce it correctly, you won't fill the gush of air directly in front of your mouth, but instead at around your chin's level. And so she went around putting her hand at everyone's chin's level to feel the gush of air. Hahaha, oh and we had this german tongue twister with 'z', which was HILARIOUS given how everyone had to focus on emphasising the 'tssssssettt' of every word that began with z. I thik german is my favourite module for this sem.

Oh, and I know I'm most likely going to contradict what I'm about to say here soon enough, but I think I like finance! hahahaha, I usually like modules which make sense to me and finance makes alot of sense (FOR now atleast) cos its all about how you need to plan the capital budget and the capital structure of it all. This is a groundbreaking realisation, because if things keep up this way, and I go on liking finance, I may very well decide to foil my life plans of majoring in marketing and management and go for finance and mangement instead. woo hoo. Okay, all of this, only time will tell.

Speaking of management, for my organisational effectiveness module, I kinda told the lecturer that I think mnagement is alot of common sense and that I dont understand why there is a need for all these theories and gibberish, all very eloquently put - of cos. And I think he was left speechless cos Dr. Wan (the lecturer for this module) is a reallllyyyy nice lecturer the type who will always be agreeable to something that his students say just so he can play the engouraging role of a lecturer/tutor. But of cos, agreeing to what I said would have meant that he concedes that all of his life's works and studying has been nothing but a complete waste of time cos there really isn't much to management anyway. Hahaha, I felt really bad lah but I honestly feel that management is really alot of commonsense. I mean to be a good leader, of cos you need to involve your employees, of cos you've got to respect their feelings, and of cos you've got to exercise your authority to some extent, i mean how else will you ensure that the work gets done? But maybe, like Prof. McAllister said, "Commonsense isn't too common after all".