Confessions of a 2 decades old girl

I love dancing. I do. It makes me happy, just give me a good beat and I can totally immerse myself in it, moving to the rhythm n coming up with what I would deem good choreography. But all this, I can only do when I'm alone. Put me in a room with other dancers, and I chicken out. I dunno, insecure perhaps? Of my ability or of what people would think. Whic brings me to the next overarching topic of how insecure I really am. I discussed this with susu yesterday. and She came up with the deepest cheemest stuff like how keeping things to myself is my self defense mechanism, just like how some people lie to themselves to protect themselves, or just choose to stay distant for the fear of getting hurt should he/she be too committed. Which is an interesting thought, and I've got to give it to the girl, she knows me well. Though there may be a more complex story as to why I choose to keep things to myself sometimes. Just a few reasons why, I think I understand myself best, which makes it tiring to express myself sometimes cos its hard to make some people understand, but i have got to give my friends credit, they do know me well. Next, I think I'm pretty insecure about who I've been and who I am. Always had insecurity issues. I remember scrutinising and psycho-analysisng since the tender age of 10, everything I'd do was scrutinised, not by anybody else, but me. It was stressful, cos I had this idealised version of myself, and who I've always been always somehow paled in comparison to that shiny admirable alter ego I always wanted to be. But today, 10 years later, today, I realise u become that ideal person when u can love urself, for all ur flaws and all ur strengths. I have to learn to do that. I haven't achieved that just as yet, but i will Inshaallah, I will.

tu as une passion particulière? (is there anything ur madly passionate about?)

All u need in life is PASSION. ZEST for life, love for life, passion for life. LIVE IT! Seriously, think. No matter what life hurls at you, what melancholy you have to go through, no matter what woes you have to mend your heart through, if u have unbridled passion for life, for all its goodness, undying excitement for what it COULD BE, how can u go wrong? You'll keep rising above all that sadness, you'll soar. You will. You can't go wrong with passion. You've never quite alive without passion. Have it, let it fill your hearts and souls with its mind-blowing strength and presence, let it transform you, let it keep you happy. Love with no restriction, live with full passion. Passion people, passion. ich liebe es. =)

slagger

Slackgger

I'm not sure why but it feels like I've lost the ability to focus. What happened to the disciplined kid I once was. Oh dear, time to buck up. Straighten up Khairah!

Relax, take it easyyyyyyyy

I've bought 2 pens today, so what big DEAL. But yeah I like the pens, and its these little things that make me happy and all the more contented. And I actually can't wait for New Year cos I can't wait to actually start using my new organiser, its this brown faux leather rectangular organiser which was a steal, since it was going for $3.50 at Mustafa. HAHA, cheap thrill. Speaking of Mustafa, they have the best, weirdest, unique and WIDEST range of anything and everything la. There was this point when they were actually selling CARS lah, hahaha, but i mean the capital cost of selling cars is obviously huge, and the need to work out the warranty, insurance policies and rival the other specialised car dealers was perhaps a tad too risky, hence the stop. And the fact that they open 24/7 and is located minutes away from my place, makes it a dream come true. BUT not all that fantastic la, if you've been there on a weekend, worse still if ur drving there on a weekend, you'll be hurling expletives and profanities like there's no tomorrow, right Kai? So anyway, Life's not too bad right now. My body's ACHING like crazy from last saturday's dance practice. Ji Rong was right after all, ahah when she said our bodies will hurt, I didn't quite think I'd suffer the same fate. Oh well, the effects of staying too inactive for too long a period. But stressed lah, I can't seem to remember alot of the dance steps already. :( Sigh, see how lah. But those who are keen to watch the dance concert, it'll be on the 28th Feb, at VCH 740pm, so make urselves free k!

Last night I had a pathetic 3 plus hours of sleep cos I had to wake up at 6plus this morning to make it for the Aerobics Photoshoot at 8am. The disadvantages of having a club whose name starts with 'A', you're always the FIRST one. I guess its the same fate some kids suffer in kindergarten right up to jc. Like how if ur name starts with 'A', well hey, ur the first oral guinea pig, or if its Z, then good luck to you in trying to beat the already predetermined bell curve and excite ur already brain-dead teachers. See, that is why I have vowed to ensure that my kids ( when I do have them, Inshaallah) will have nice, practical names that won't subject them to undue pressure and that includes not naming them names like Isnin bin Jumaat ( for that my husband will have to be Jumaat, and heck no I dun want to have to marry a 'Jumaat' guy) or weirdo names like Pippi, Singapura, Jambon, which are all real names of real people, except for the last one of cos, but hey I wouldn't be surprised to know that there actually IS someone by that name. I like my name, Nur actually means light, and Khairah, goodness, put both together and what do you get, this angelic girl with this mystical halo made from beams of light of goodness. HAHA. But I actually dun like the Nur part, it makes it sound so malay, which is not to say I dun like malays, just that I dun like a name that seems to portray me as someone or something I'm not, would have been better if it was just Khairah, or Kyra. Haha, exotic sikit.

Ok what else do I want to talk about? Ah yes, today I met up with Yiwei after the photoshoot, and ended up as the only 2 breakfast customers at BK, Deck. It was good catching up and all that. This girl will be leaving for Brisbane soon come 31st Dec, for 4 months! And sad thing is, she just got attached. No not sad that she got attched, I mean of cos thats a happy thing but sad la right, newly attached happy happy, during the first stage of ur relationship when u really can't get enought of each other, (the total opposite of whats to come in the later stages, bu NVM bout that now), and yeah they have to be separated, but not just for 4 months, but 8! Cos her boyfriend's going for his exchange program to germany after that. Anyway, I'm sad, cos all my wonderful comm members like Yiwei, Agnes, Iris who're in their final year will be leaving soon! Sigh, so sad. But well, we can always keep in touch I guess.

Oh, and I can't believe I haven't mentioned about the whole emceeing stint last Sunday! It rocked! It really did! Hahahaha, I spoke in 4 languages, bits here and there and everyone found it funny and impressive I suppose. Even Doctor Lee found it impressive, but then he started asking me too many things in Mandarin, obviously over-estimating my ability, and yeah I just kept saying "Wo keyi chiang Huayi, keshi yi tian tian". =D And it felt good when people didn't know came up to me to congratulate me on being an 'entertaining' emcee,entertaining could also mean 'lame and stupid' but hey, as long as they're happy. But nice lah, glad to know that I could still rouse up an elderly bunch, I think I'm actually up to future emceeing possibilities, so yeay!

Okay lah, too much rambling, I'm going to visit my Grandpa's grave on Thursday Inshaallah, and going for the Bintan trip in the first week of Jan, both of which I absolutely can't wait for. k bye!

Size issues

9 million American adolescents are either overwieght or obese. A big deal of course, but not entirely surprising eh. I mean take a look at their diet, pardon me if I am generalising, but watching many of the Hollywood productions is enough to derive an idea of the kind of diet the average American has. Pizzas, burgers, pizzas, the unhealthy BIG sugar-coated donuts and black coffee for the beer-bellied cops and the rich salty scrambled eggs and bacon at the neighbourhood bar for breakfast served by the generic sweet faced, witty PLUMP bartender. Enough to derive a highly accurate picture of their lifetime diet. But who cares, I guess in the list of the many side effects and costs of prosperity, obesity has got to be one of them. I remember being really plump as a kid, many may point out that I still am but what I am today is NOTHING when compared to how fat I was. Hahaha but it was a happy time lah, atleast I was always somehow spared teh misfortune of having to join TAF (the Trim and Fit) Club for FAT kids. (Notice how TAF is the reverse of FAT, I bet its no coincidence.) I was always lucky cos my growth hormones were thankfully working overtime and I had my growth spurt at about 8-10, meaning that I easily towered over the rest of the kids in class, both girls AND boys. SO whilst I was in no way horizontally challenged, being tall sure helped. :D
But yes, like Karma, the tall one then will be the the short one now. I the person who never ever had height issues have an inferiority issue now, and its sad la. Haiyo, who would have thought that I'd stop growing at a measley 161cm! SHORTY. See how a national crisis has somehow dwindled to become a discussion of a personal inferiority complex. :D

Oh, I'm totally freaked out by the Prima Deli food poisoning issue! STAY away from them you guys.

hello, life has been quite packed even without all the fun hanging out shopping sessions I've always wanted. Now its alot of competition meet-ups for teh hr competition, saturday i have dance practice for the mj dance alumni concert which I'm not sure if i want to go for, sat afternoon i have this bursary award ceremony, sunday I have an emceeing stint for my block party and I'm actually a little nervous cos its been like a good 2 years since jc2 since I last emcee-d. Then again, its just gonna be a bunch of fellow old aunties and uncles in my residence, fellow grassrooot leaders n Dr. Lee, so should be okay I guess. Next week the holiday aerobics classes will kick off, and I'm excited. Thank God we came up with this, now I hear HnF is planning to follow suit. KPO. hahaha.
Oh and just now, some guy from the RSAF sembawang camp called my house to ask regarding the aerobics instructors. Apparently, the army is intending to hire 3 FEMALE instructors for their ALL MALE crowd as a motivational ploy. WTH. haha, but i forwarded him carine's number la cos it'll help her as well right, all that extra moolah. When asked how he got my contact number though, he said it was frm our website, and when I checked after the call, none of my contact details were listed. Which means my contact details must be lurking somewhere out there. So weird, and I've got to find out lah, I don't want some tom, dick n harry, calling me regarding aerobics at my mobile or home number.
Today was one emotional day, something happened, something I think is best left unmentioned, but it made me miss my grandpa so much and made me wonder how life will be without my grandma. And I started crying so much thinking of how empty life will be without the both of them, I must actually be one of those few ones who actually cry in anticipation of a death. SO morbid, but I really don't think I can stand my mum alone. She's become this ulra paranoid person lately who's got no trust and faith in anyone, and whose paranoia and mistrust is geeting the best of her, and of myself. I wonder for how long more I can take this, especially since its already so bad even with my grandparents around. Ah, I think I'll just go get myself a room in the residence if my grandma leaves too, and just keep myself away as much as I possibly can. I just pray that I have enough patience to see her through her old years cos really even at 20, she's wearing me down. Well, forget it, its pointless to talk about this anyway. Hope your day's better.

In other news

i feel like blogging some more. Its 2:38am now, and I'm supposed to have a meeting with the YEC people at 930am. I've not made it for the past 5 meetings, since they started their term of office, but it really wasn't my fault, either the severe lack of sleep or fate was against me attending those meetings. But tommorow,or rather later will be different. POst exams period can be so fun lah. I mean nothing really rivals this feeling of having all the time in the World to do anything you want, or absolutely nothing( the latter wins anytime) and still feeling so accomplished at the end of the day, basking and seeking refuge in the knowledge that you deserve this break. I have so many plans, but liek I said, I feel like a different person now. I do inend to make those hopes of becoming a better person a reality, and bits of this grand plan include me attending Islamic classes at the Darul Ma'wa Assciation for converts ( is that the correct name for it?). I described to Kai last wednesday, how I had this image of me wearing my long pretty flowy brown skirt, with this turquoise top, and a brown turquoise scarf wrapped around my neck, complemented by that gorgeous rattan Accesorize bag susu got for me, and wearing simple comfy brown flip flops walking down Arab Street searching for Islamic books in English and doing my bit of soul searching, before finally settling down in the Sultan Mosque where we had prayers for my Grandpa's jenazah, to seek solitude and reflect yet again. For that I'll have my long black cardigan stashed in my rattan bag. Then I'll plod down to the National Library and borrow novels I never got the chance to borrow and read to my heart's content. Then I'll celebrate my sense of independence with a touch of class by buying myself a hot cup of Mocha from Starbucks at Bugis Junction. Then I'll go window shopping which in a matter of minutes, will (without a doubt) be more than mere window shopping. And I'll have fun by myself. Hhaha, I've become such a loner lately, but its nice, I've realised that spending time alone is as important and as fulfilling as time shared and spent with loved ones. A far cry from the Khairah who once cringed at the idea of eating or shopping alone when Huda told her how she doesn't mind doing that. I've come a long way, and its strange and comforting all the same to be where I am and to realise who I've evolved to become in so short a time span. Its Saturday now and I've not done that teh whole shopping, soul searching bit I've been intending to do since Thursday, but nevermind I will soon, and I know it'll be fun. :) In other news, I miss susu. and I can't wait to hang out with the girls. :)

Don't give in

My grandpa's been gone for nearly 2 weeks now, and his absence has probably taught me more than what I've learnt and what I always thought I've known in all the 20 years of my life. Its intriguing how death can change so much, how it evokes so much pain, anger, emotion, regret, contemplation, acceptance, blame, grief once again, worry, fear and a great deal of reflection on where our life is headed. A bitter reminder on how life is full of uncertainties, and how death is a very real ordeal, something everyone will experience, and something that will change your life when its a loved one that you lose. This is perhaps the first major loss my family has experienced, a man of great character who stood through the odds, always putting his family first, even if it meant having to sacrifice his wants and needs. A man, who for me, filled the void left by my father, and who will remain as far as I'm concerned the only father figure in my life. I can't say I have recovered from this loss, who knows, I doubt I ever will. Yet, I'm grateful that I 've got this chance to grow up with the love of my grandparents, who've always made me feel like something special, someone worth loving and cherishing. I've been always treated like the little princess in their life, from the royal treatment in the mornngs when my grandpa would rush tp wake up in the morning to make milo for me and spread jam or butter on the bread which I would wolf down before rushing to school. My grandpa will stay awake till I leave home, even up till the first sem of my first year in NUS. If it wasn't my grandpa, it'll be my grandma. Till today, my grandma does the same thing. EVerytime I leave for school, she will rush with the greatest sense of urgency to prepare breakfast or lunch for me, and if I happen to have an exam to sit for the same day, she'll rush to pour me a glass of Zamzam water (holy water) and read me some prayer before I leave for school. The night before every exam, she'll accompany me through the night, most of the times giving me a back, head and shoulder massage to ease my tension. I am thankful, beyond words for my grandparents, for having had this chance to live with them for nearly everday of my life, for having experienced this strong bond and love only grandchildren have with grandparents. I am so lucky. Nevermind the fact that y parents are divorced, my grandparents more than make up for the loss I never quite felt. =) Thanks Allah.


I guess it must be boring reading again and again about how I am still trying to get over my grandfather, but he's just so precious, I can't begin to find the right words to describe this loss. My grandpa's passing has been my first exposure to death and its life-changing effect. Everytime I think of my grandpa and of the many memories of him that I hold close to my heart and start crying, I tell Allah how I dont think I can take the pain of another death, how its bound to tear me apart. Yet, I do know it will come, perhaps the next time for my grandma, but how and when I don't want to think. I don't want to imagine. I was re-reading my recent entries and there was one where I was describing my day with my grandparents where they found the slogan on my t-shirt funny, " Trust me, I am a girl" and how I ended that entry with thoughts of how I would feel when I do re-read that entry sometime in the fduture should my grandparents cease to be around, and how today when that is the reality, I hate myself for saying what I said, cos it always turns out the same exact way I though it would, only this time I'm feeling it for real, and not just imagining how I'd feel it should it happen, and when it happens.


Life. Death. Both life-changing in their own right. Somehow, death has become more than a rare occurence now, everywhere I go, I receive news of death, The national dragon boaters, my friend's friend's sister, my granduncle, my grandpa, some other blogger's grandma. Death is suddenly on the rise, and the high frequency of its occurence, is a painful reminder of how our life too, is numbered, maybe in years, months, days or even hours. Young, old, we all have to go someday. My grandpa used to say this, " There is no difference between the lavatory and the cemetery, when you have to go, you have to go". Hahaha, see la , he still amuses me. I love you grandpa. I hope you're okay. I really hope to see you in Heaven someday. Inshaallah.





Anyway I logged on to blogger with a very different topic in mind, about this novel Kai lent me today, about this Pakistani woman who fell victim to the unfair, grossly unethical and atrocious way of living of the old villages in Pakistan where the rich have the upper hand in deciding what is right and wrong, where they take the law into their own hands, often deciding to take out their vengeance and establish their sense of superiority by taking it out on the poorer and innocent women who had nothing to do with the problem, and whose only fault lied in the fact that they are related to the accused man. It sucks. This account, 'In the name of Honour' is the true account of the struggle of a peasant woman, Mukhtar Mai who was gang raped after the richer men wrongly accused her 12 year old brother of 'raping' their 20 year old sister. Their way of meting out justice? They, ( a group of 4 men) gang raped her on the cold hard floor of a stable, before throwing her out half naked to the stares and jeering of the merciless and heartless villagers. I just couldn't continue reading. Everytime I think of what she must have felt, how she must have begged, pleaded resisted, cried, prayed, all to no avail, how they made her feel cheap, dirty all because she is a woman, I feel so sad, angered. Yet, what is it that I can do? Ya Allah, this world is so full of pain. People can be so evil. I'm so fortunate to be born in a prosperous city where equality exists for the most part especially towards gender rights. I don't know what to say la. I mean thank God, this lady, Mukhtar Mai didnt' succumb toher initial suicide thoughts, and instead chose to channel all that sadness and emotional pain towards finding a renewed course of action that seeks to better the lives of other Pakistani women. She fought back, bringing light to the very real challenge and inequality that women around the World face, and making the World take notice for once. She has received funding and has managed to set up a school for girls, doing what she can to rival illiteracy, inequality and poverty in her region. It is heroes like Mukhtar who manage to find the courage and determination within themselves even after such tragic fates, that give me a renewed belief and hope for a better tomorrow. Let us all pray for those who have left us, those who aren't as fortunate as us, so that they are able to garner enough strength to overcome thier targic fates and make a difference to this World. I have decided to join the Asian Women Welfare Association (AWWA) soon, Inshaallah. Fight women, fight. Equality is our right, not a privilege as many deem it to be. Let those ignorant bastards understand that.