see me crusing to that agreed rendezvous

k la, I'm just gonna update on all the rather significant/memorable/bla outings for this week n the week before that. this will be a photo post for the most part. okay wait I just feel like rambling some more before the major photo overload, i think i'm being damn lazy nowadays, and tis' not good. I so wanted to participate in the Weber Shandwick public relations competition, and now there's only a month to the submission date. And ppl usually take a few months to do just the research part! I've gone on and on with myself on how I need to buckle up, pull those socks up, tie those shoelaces, or wadever else footwear-related adages that reminds one's self of the need to up that lagging discipline, but I just can't seem to stop procrastinating!

I don't care. Next sem is gonna be different. I'm gonna ace the 5 modules, nvm the fact that they're all so maths-y ( and God knows how in-adept I am when it comes to the wonderful world of integers, to put it nicely). I'm going to get a few more tuition jobs (need that moolah), sign up as a Great eastern financial advisor (more moolah, hey money makes the world go round, and my world happens to be the same one in question) and run for vice chairperson of aerobics (for the kicks n that stellar resume), be a model citizen and attend all RC meetings (even those time-consuming ones like visiting a few HUNDRED homes just to remind them to start hanging their flags for national day) and study hard and do all assignments on time and resume my driving practicals. There, many many things. I can do this! Woo hoo! All if God's willing. :)

Eh I've got this sudden urge to go clubbing (I've never EVER clubbed, n have vowed never to, but just have this strong urge) but I don't think I wanna give up the Never-clubbed- before status just yet. Okay wadever. Photos now.



This is the most recent one, last saturday, met up with one of my favourite girls, KIRAN! After sooo long la.



Susu and I back from J.B with food rations enough for 2 months. O.K., I lie, maybe enough for 2 weeks.



With my grandma after the J.B. trip. She looks unwell ah. :(

okay this is pathetic but I only have three with me, will update summore later. hhaahahahaha.:)

Oh, and yesterday, amazingly, I had fun at the Matric Fair! I took half a day off work just to help out at the Aerobics booth cos we were shorthanded, and I was expecting myself to rot away in boredom, but thanks to the gila gila new Aerobics comm member, Gwen, matric Fair became some endless hyped up affair. We were so high on each other(sounds wrong, but don't think dirty), that I think we pretty much scared off soo many freshies. Hahahahaha. Fun! I like Gwen. =) And Thank God for the others too, Adibah,Wany,Irdah,Huda..

Okay well, I'm gg for lunch now. Shall upload more photos when I'm back home.

Gratitude

I'm using my laptop now, after what seems like years. And I'm sitting here on this dining table chair facing my comp (my comp table's chair's very shaky and it has this hard wooden seat- the kind that would leave my bum sore after a few minutes. There, the price I have to pay for wanting a cool looking comp chair rather than those conventional SOFT CUSHION seat comp chairs). So I'm sitting here, and I'm staring at everything and nothing in particular. I'm beginning to notice how strange it feels sitting down here on my own, with the whirring of the fan being the only form of activity in my house, oh and there, I think I just heard cars zooming past, and a motorcycle with its classic and unmistakable roaring engine. My life has gotten so hectic, so chaotic that at times I think I forget to breathe. No really, I mean that. I have this habit of holding my breath for too long, okay maybe not TOO LONG, else you'd have a spirit for a blogger now, but long enough to make me gasp for air. Not sure why this happens but its weird and relieving all the same. Weird cos it could be that I totally suck at multi-tasking even if its only breathing and doing something else (and we both know that was utter rubbish). Yet, after the few seconds of holding my breath, the need for air impels me to gasp for air, inhaling deeper than I normally would, as a way of making up for the deprivation of air I've put myself through. And the rush of air is relieving, not just in the physical way like how an ashmatic patient would yearn for the oxygen mask, but relieving in the emotional aspect too. Breathing deeply gives you this second of composure, this feeling of ease and peace that helps recollect your thoughts, putting you back in perspective.

I'm recovering from yesterday's crazy frenzy at home. How pain once again put in check the happy times my family has enjoyed. Yesterday, I wondered, why it appears to be that my family seems to have such a big share of the troubles, quarrels, problems and misunderstandings that plague families. I wondered if it was something my family had done in the past, to put us in this position where retribution comes in the form of the never-ending problems. I wondered if it was really fair how so many of my friends are blessed with happy close knitted, complete families when I for as long as I could remember, always had to find a reason to overlook the shortcomings of mine. I wondered a great few things amidst all that shouting, hurt and anger. But I was still calm. No tears, quite a bit of shouting only because I hoped to alleviate the situation, and then I stayed quiet, resigned to the fact that nothing I could do would change anything. I wished so many things for my family, I'm still wishing, but each time this happens its a wish with less conviction, less hope, less belief.

But I'm alright, I can't lie and say I see the bright side to this, because there is no bright side. But I still have a home and a family to call my own, and that makes me lucky and the situation bearable, if not okay. If you're one of those who has been blessed with a happy family, with lesser worries and more love and support than mine, cherish your family. Tell them how much you love them, appreciate them, and take a moment to express your gratitude to Allah, because you really have it good.

Betty Botter bought some butter then she gave it to the boy called Potter.

I'm in a damn shitty wingey ( what word was that?) kinda mood. The kinda mood one would get when you've collected the harry potter book on the morning it was released (last saturday) but have till this minute only read up to what, say half of the book? It sucks lah!!! Feeling this way sucks, and now I have to contain my excitement and hold myself back from whipping that thick book out of my bag and start reaaadddingg. Why do I have sucha sloww reading pace?! MAN. But I never believed in speed-reading anyway, I think reading becomes so pleasurable only when you completely immerse yourself in every detail and every word sucking yourself into the make believe world of the novel , playing the role, feeling the emotions, having reactions to the happenings of the novel as if you were really there. Ahh, excuses for my slow mind. HOW?! I would have whipped it out years ago and started devouring every page like as though I'm some famished social recluse experiencing her first exposure to knowledge in the form of a Harry Potter novel, BUT I'm at work, see? and that would be equivalent to dancing the hawaian dance in the middle of the office. And with a boss I've got, (REFER to the previous 2 entries), you wouldn't want to take any risk. I'm seriously half tempted to run into the toilet and sit in the cubicle and read to my heart's ocntent. Problem is how to get that THICK Bible/Qu'ran resembling book out without looking like a pregnant woman with a block for baby, a fat BLOCK at that. AHH, the torture. I'm sorry for ranting on like this, its the next best thing I can afford to do at this point.

ANYWAY, these are things I have to say so far about the novel. (SPOILERS AHEAD<>
1) MY GOSH!! Ginny n Harry were about to make out like big-time make out lah had Ran n Hermione not barged in on them.
2) Kreacher is sooooo kesian. Imagine having to drink that vile vile terrible potion! The one where the locket-horcrux was left in. HAIZ VOLDEMORT is a bitch.
3) I DO NOT LIKE THE IDEA OF RON BEING WITH HERMIONE! I mean friends should stay friends lahhh. Poor harry feels so lonely. But I like both of them individually so its okay la right.
4) I THINK the doe patronus that was sent by some mysterious source (the one that led Harry to the Gryffindor Sword, oh and I'm only THAT FAR in the novel btw) was actually sent by his dad! KK dun tell me if u know.
5) Grindelwald is sooo obviously the magical world's version of Hitler lah. No points for originality there, J.K. Rowling. But I still love you, don't worry.
6) I think Luna sounds and seems more batty in the books than she is in the movies. She's sucha lovely darling in the movies lah! I love her to bits!
7) Having gone this far through the book , I still think that Snape's innocent. I hope he is! And that he's just damnn good at occlumency, good enough to block voldemort's legilimency-ing.
8) There are supposed to be 7 horcruxes right, so 4 have been destroyed eh? The basilisk,the diary, the ring and the locket> Then still got 3 more! But I'm already half-way through the book, and only ONE horcrux has been discussed! got enough pages for 3 more ah?
9) K nothing else to say, BUT WHYYY WHYYY WHYYY must this be the last book?? :(

* oh and susu, I will post the photos of our bee-yoo-ti-ful faces later at night. heeheehee

Can you feel the love today?

This morning like every other working day's morning, I felt my overnight charged high-spirited self being steadily worn out by the quiet and lifeless atmosphere that reeked in the bus. This was the kind of atmosphere that breeds increased contempt for work. (And imagine, we're not even talking about working life for good, its only my INTERNSHIP). Many sleepy eyes, blank expressions and nodding heads-everyone on board the bus must have felt the same mid-week blues, i suppose. Everyone but 2 people who might as well have been screaming for attention at the top of their lungs, at the rate they were exchanging kisses (on virtually every exposed part of their anatomy) and hugs (not the one arm-around-the-waist kind, but the lets hold tight and keep warm, else we'll both freeze to death kind) and secret smiles that weren't such a secret anymore ( not when you're heavily frenching and hugging like there's no tomorrow).

BUT they had something everyone else didn't have at that moment. They had love, passion, desire burning in their eyes, making them totally oblivious to the rest of the world (the rest of the ppl in the bus i mean) and it was beautiful to watch. Not beautiful to watch in the "ooooohh, FREE SHOW!" kinda way lah, but just beautiful and heart-warming to watch.

IT was nice to see that not everyone had the blues. And there was something about the way they looked at each other that told me they were a newly wedded couple. Perhaps even fresh from a honeymoon. And even I the anti- PDA person decided to revise my stance on PDA after this. =)

Wish I could do that someday. Be totally oblivious to the world only because I'm totally absorbed in that person in my arms- even if we're in a totally jam-packed morning bus to Shenton Way. Dreams.

Of loved beings and detested crature(s).

Hi, updates on yesterday. I keep blogging nowadays cos I really have almost nothing to do! 'ALMOST nothing' because I'm at work now and I'm supposed to be calling companies YET AGAIN. And no, I'm not skiving, I 've called nearly every existing company in Singapore (well those with atleast 5 sites globally lah) and I think I'm already on the Hate list of atleast half of those companies' secretaries. It doesn't help that I have an irritating kiddish voice too. Bleargh! AND yesterday my BIG BOSS, the GM of Vanco Asia Pac, or if it ignites ur memory, THAT one with the CRAZY laughter (click here for a memory jolt), well he kinda 'accused' me and my other fellow NTU intern for slacking. Here, this is what he said..

BIG BOSS with scary laughter: Hey Angeline(the recept. who sits 1 cubicle away from me), how come these interns stop calling already ahh??
Angeline: *Um, dunno...(*shrugs*)
BBSL: *strides over to where my not-so-big-boss is sitting* EH How come THE GIRLS NOT DOING THE COLD CALLING ANYMORE AH?!
*SILENCE*
BBSL: *walks over to where I sit* EH, why have you girls stopped cold calling?
Me: Um, we do call, but its mostly to the many companies who haven't picked up our calls for the past FEW WEEKS.
BBSL: But I haven't been hearing you girls call eh!
Me: Also, we can't access the database cos that computer's monitor is down, so its hard to verify the info that we need before we call other companies.
BBSL: HUH?! The computer is spoilt?! *Looks at Angeline*
Angeline: Yeah, the monitor is spoilt. We're ordering a new one in already.
BBSL: Ok, make sure you do it fast so they can STOP USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE.
Me: WTH!?!?! (in my heart OF COURSE)

Seriously! I mean, firstly Mister, I think you make a sucky boss. Anyone can tell that telemarketing has a morale boost factor ranging from 0 to negative 9, and to ask us to do that for a whole 2-3 months is insane. I won't be surprised if interns QUIT after a whole month of rude replies, inconsiderate answers and telephone slamming. So the least I would expect of you is some understanding! But okay,EVEN if you're heartless, or have the empathy equivalent to that of Hitler's, the LEAST you could do is to get your facts right before you bloody accuse. Even when we're not calling, we're BUSY with presentations your subordinate, the NOT-so-big boss has designated to us, and other admin stuff as it is. So whilst it may seem ( bold for emphasis) like we're NOT doing ANYTHING, don't be fooled, and go investigate first. Besides, just because you don't HEAR us calling anymore, doesn't mean we've stopped calling. It probably just means your hearing doesn't extend beyond two cubicles , or perhaps that its time to un-wax those hearing organs of yours. Ignorance is not an excuse. Imagine if everyone were to commit murder or some heinous crime and plead innocence out of ignorance, can ah? Wah lao. So irritating.

EEEEEEEE! Okay wadever. I really don't like him already. Its not like I'm not trying to understand his position. SURE, you don't want interns just loafing around on the $800 per month that you're paying them, but don't let your unfounded assumptions get the better of you.

FORGET HIM. Officially have 17 and a 1/2 days left (including today) here anyway.Now I wanna talk about my darling grandpa whom I visited yesterday.
If you have grandparents who are old and prone to falling sick, its really hard to tell if they've gotten better. Cos even if one of their illnesses has abated, that doesn't by default remove them of their other multiple pains and illnesses. Its not easy being old, because you're not in control of your health and life as you once were. Thats why its important that we youngsters be patient and help ease their pain in every possible way. Okay, I will stop preaching, but why I'm saying this is really because I dislike how some teens look down on the elderly just cos they're old. Its almost as if they've forgotten that they have been young once upon a time. Growing old must be something as strange to them as it is to us.

So anyway, I travelled to Yio Chu Kang after meeting that sweet someone who surprised me with Merci chocolates at my workplace =). To you: Merci vraiment!!(i think)

After not visiting grandpa for nearly a week, you caannot imagine how much I've been missing him and that no messing around when nurses are around behaviour of his. At home, he's a riot I tell you! So anyway we talked and talked, and i did my routine calls to a few of his children and grandchildren who miss him dearly too just so my grandpa wouldn't get so tired of me. Hahahaha. Then after the several failed attempts in getting him to allow me to push him around in a wheelchair, I showed him his photos in my phone.

Me: Grandpa, look! Your good friend! (flashes his photo to him)
Grandpa: *chuckles* Kesian eh... (kesian= so pitiful)
Me: Huh?! Why you kesian yourself!
Hahahahaha, my grandpa's lame. No actually I think the kesian was directed to me, as in "kesianlah my grandaughter, so in love with me." Hahaha, its his way of expressing how touched he is, I guess.

Then anyway after showing him all those photos, I came up with the brilliant idea of getting my grandpa to listen to the nasyid songs in it. (THANKS KAI!) Hehe, my grandpa was singing along to the songs, and I think the nurses were amused at the sight of us sharing the iPod. Anyway, my grandpa's fellow patient (2 beds away) got curious and asked if he could listen too! Haiyo, so weird la. Having to pop the ear piece into his ear which was a little hairy anyway, hahahaha. But hey, I toally don't mind lah, come on. Its really a pleasure. Anyway this patient who's indian by the way wanted to listen to Hindi songs lah! Tanak kalah! :D So yes, I played for him songs from Dhoom.
So yes, I turned into an iPod promoter for a day. Apple should pay me man!:D But thank God for gadgets! Oh dear, I'm starting to sound like Kai now.

Eh super long lah this entry. But I'm not done! Must tell you of the uninvited DISGUSTING creature that entered my house. A STUPID COCKROACH!!! It was huge I tell you! And of cos it had to come at a time when all the coakroach killer heroes in my house were asleep leaving me, the self -declared cockroach-phobic kid to fend for herself. So, after a good 5 minutes of staring at it from 100 metres away, I gathered all that was left of the inkling of courage that I've got, and decided that I will handle this killing myself. So my best defense tactic? I wore, my sports shoes IN my kitchen. Why? To run faster lah and so that THAT wretched creature won't get a chance of crawling onto my feet as I dash across the kitchen to get weapon #2: Baygone! (My mum's so not gonna be happy if she finds out) THEN I sprayed to everywhere I thought it was hiding, so much so that I got nauseous with the overpowering smell. I think I probably killed every living insect in my house. THEN I saw it climbing the dining table and that was IT! There's something about cockroaches or insects being on an elevated object, they seem taller and bigger somehow. So yes I totally freaked out and ran to wake my mum up. SO MUCH for wanting to kill it on my own. My fearless mother came, grabbed the insecticide from me and sprayed somemore. I'm sucha coward. :S Haiz. What would I do without my mum?!

OK got cramps. But, if you're STILL reading, wow! you must really like me!:D Ok now you don't. HAHAHA. K Bye!!! :)

Hair-do(s)

Bangs(past past), curly(past), and half straight-half curly(present). There you go, the epitome of a fickle, "Can't decide?! Lets have both!" mind. Which do you think suits me best, anyway? I love the bangs, but yeah with hair as curly as mine, even the most advanced rebonding technology will lose its effect before you can say "maggie mee curry flavour". Yeah well, whatever it is, my face is certainly not suited for 'dao' looks.(Points at failed-attempt- to-look-fierce photo #3.)

You know how when you've got so many thougts in your mind, none of them related in anyway whatsoever, but each equally strong and complex and moving that you feel the greatest need to talk about them? Yeah feeling the same exact thing now. Except there are so many, and they're in such a disarray, that I have absolutely no idea which to start with first. So this entry is bound to sound like some random entry about so many different random things in random order. K I think I'll list them down in a list of points fashion just so I won't give the many who already dub my mind as the messed up thing that it is, the satisfaction of being right.

1) Anyone ever felt like you need to have some distance between yourself and anyone else, just so you can avoid hurting them? Or feel uncomfortable at the closeness of your relationship because it would mean that you're in a more likely-than-not position of hurting them?

2) What if, what you see yourself as in the mirror( physically) is totally different from what people see when they look at you? Not as in spiritually or behaviour wise, but your looks perse. And that its been this case ALL your life?! Like maybe even in photos that you and your fren are looking at that contains both of you, each of you can not see the same face or facial attributes that the other is seeing? hmmm..possible right?

3) How people think that you're a damn positive person, since you have this happy go lucky public persona, which really is a mask to all the melancholy brewing inside. And then once in a while when that sadness spills over, or seeps out of the tightly enclosed you, people cringe, cos it seems so un-you?

4) (In relation to the previous point) Worse still, if they criticise, and ACT and judge like they know.

5) How you have had your ideal life envisioned out since day 1, and then as you go along in this journey you call Life, you emerge only to realise that though not many things turned out the way you had it planned, you wouldn't trade any part of what you have now, not even for the world? =)

6)How despite knowing that what you have NOW isn't meant to last, you force yourself to stop looking into the future, cos that's the only way you can enjoy and appreciate all that you have now for all that its worth.

7) and how that in actual fact that compromises abit of who you are, because its a kind of distraction, to distract you from what's real and what's to happen.

8) But I guess, who's to say what's to happen?

9) Just as a disclaimer to this rather sad entry, I am happy.

10) Just wish those around me and the World at large feels the same way.

potter treats

Drama, drama. 2 Days ago was a day of treats:) which made me one happy person. Francis(my boss) treated us(me n XinYi the other intern) to lunch at the Straits Kitchen. Like finallyyy, I get to set foot there. Everytime I've made plans to go there, something happens and screws it up. So yes, I had popiah,rice,meat,satay,kueh,gado gado, otah, and so much food! Though I swear I would have binged SO much more if it wasn't for the fact that my boss was sitting opposite me, and for the fact that he had to rush off for some appointment. Haiyo, buffets are meant to be enjoyed.... especially those at exclusive places like the Straits Kitchen! Oh well, 28th I'll be treated to dinner there again right?? ;)

THEN, at 8:10pm Kai and I rushedddd to Great World City to catch Harry Potter. We've booked tickets there, see? Another fantabulous treat for the day. :D( I could go on forever living like this!) Why we had to rush is really because both kai and I have a hopeless sense of direction. We were around tiong bahru, and whilst we could feel GWC calling out to us, we being the ones with the seriously HOPELESS sense of direction (that even the most positive hopeful person is bound to give up on us), we ended up at ulu crescent girls' instead. Hahahaha, we got sooo frustrated with each other, what with me trying to squint at the map in the DARK because SOMEONE found the light TOO GLARING. So I had to shield the light, and tahan the heat of it, just so it would be dimmer and NOT AS GLARING> -glares at that SOMEONE-. Hahahah, but it was super funny lah, us being the hardcore harry potter fans going gila and frustrated at not being able to find stoopid GWC. So we ended up at GWC at 8:10pm, (God must have given up on us using our no-sense-of-direction brains by then) n guided us there. And the second our wheels touched the ground of GWC's carpark, we were zooming about anxiously looking for car park lots and after parking, we freaking RAN all the way up to the highest level where the cinema just HAD to be at the most ulu, deserted, highest, most difficult-place-to-get-to place in the whole MALL. haiyo. Just our luck.
And I was living proof that one can run in TWO inch wedges. So yes. In fact, I was faster if not as fast as Kai. And THATS saying something man.

And the movie was fantastic as every other Harry Potter movie is. Its just amazing to watch every movie bringing to life each detail and character in the book. Many complain that the movies always faiil to live up to the standards of the book, but I can never really see a flaw in any of the books, except the first time when I saw Snape who totally didn't fit the image I had of him initially. I imagined him to look alot like Darth More, but I've grown to love the Snape in the mpvies, I bet he's still the good one.

Gosh. I am seriously dying, i cannot take the wait anymore. I'm THIS (*opens fingers ever so slightly) near to breaking into any MPH n stealing the harry potter and the deathly hallows book. Damn it la, what a torture. J. K. Rowling BETTER make it worth it, else I'll just sit and write myself a better ending. But yeah it won't be the same la i guess, not so much because I'm not a good writer,(I'm a DAMN good writer i would like to think) but for the same reason why somehow she doesn't have to worry bout copyrights, cos having started this series, it just won't feel right if u have another mastermind, genius of a writer continue her series, cos she OWNS the storyline. Really, the characters are hers, so yes my plan to re-write a better ending is doomed a failure right from the start. But HOW! I'm damn scared. Haiyo, for the cynical non-believer muggles out there, go away, I can't help worrying and YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND. anyway, last monday, kai was listening to Morning with Muttons on 987Fm when she saiid that they actually spilled details on the last book, and she was sooo furious. Hey, who wouldn't be?! I'll jolly well sue the daylight out of those deejays man if I had been listening, don't they understand that though people are positively DYING to know the conclsion to this HP series, we wouldn't want to HEAR it! NO, we would want to READ IT! So that day, after she told me that the Djs had blurted out the ending, I refused to talk to her fearing that she MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY blurt out the story to me, which if it happens, will have disastrous repercussions on my treatment of our friendship. Muahahahahahaha. :D KIDDING, but yeah I'd not speak to her for a longggg time if it happens.

This is my 2nd entry in a matter of hours, and that screams "NO LIFE" but frankly, that's how it seems like right now. Me here at work, doing nothing. It feels like time has taken a stand-still. My half of the office is soul-less, except for me if you count a dead-like blogger as soul-ful, that is. The receptionist who's always a cubicle away, usually offers some kind of comfort with her tapping at the keyboard or her frequent phone calls. Even if we rarely talk, atleast there's some hint of life.But she has taken half the day off today. So now, its just me down here. I've blog-hopped to every person imaginable's blog and I feel like puking. At my disgust at having nothing to do and at the fact that I blog-hop when I have nothing to do. Thinking and reflecting is fine, but it was puke-inspiring after a while too.

Just now, I made my way to the toilet for the first time today, expecting to see my hair messed up akin to that of a deranged woman, but it was quite okay. I almost instantly wanted to try to puke because I felt so sick at that point. Reminds me of those movies where the actress gets too tired and stressed up over some huge impossible problem, and it takes a toll on her half -way through a routine day at work, s she escapes to the toilet and stares down at the sink before splashing some icy cold water onto her face. -How I know the water is icy cold is besides the point, its just supposed to add on to the discomfort of the whole situation-. Even now, as I ramble on, only my fingers and a little of my fore arms are moving, oherwise, I swear I would resemble the non-moving, stationary artistes in front of paragon.

So anyway, I want to talk about this epiphany I had quite sometime back. It was about how I realised that love was unnecessary, atleast that between Man and Woman (NO NO, not as in heterosexual vs. homosexual love BUT heterosexual love vs. family love AND the ephipany was really to prove that the former is unnecessary, rather than to comparewhich amongst the two is more required), and that we're inculcating the need for it, because of the insecurity that is inherent in us, or the wish of being comforted that lies embedded in us. But that ephiphany was so clear and justified that I was so moved by its profoundness, and immediately vowed to share it with Rohani. I'm not sure why specifically Rohani, but yes Rohani. I'm not sure if I got to anyway, and I'm not sure if I do explain it now, it'd seem logical or believable, even to myself. But it was so well thought out then, that I couldn't think of any point for what its worth to debunk it. So, do you think that way? Do you believe that we don't really really need to love and be loved, but it is that insecurity or need to be complete feeling that drives that want or "need"? But if this is the truth, that it is really the insecurity of what we are and who we are, that propels us to look for love, then does mean that we can shed this need if we feel otherwise? Or that nearly everyone, or everyone feels that similar ounce of insecurity so much so that love becomes a prerequisite in life? So, if thats the truth, that everyone does feel insecure about themselves whether they're aware of it or not, then perhaps the question of why we need to love and be loved at the same time, is really inconsequential. Because we do, and so it really doesn't matter why that is the case. I don't know if you're still following my line of argument or perhaps it got way too wordy and convoluted mid-way that you've already exited this browser. But I don't know, whatever you think, its probably worth a thought, no?
I feel like my life has grown so stagnant, its barely ever going to move. And I can't remain like this forever. This is really quite depressing. I think it must be the cold ac and the dead atmosphere here.

fleeting moments, intense emotions

1) Grieved that Linkin Park is going to JAPAN for their concert*(^&!FKFDQ^R*^O#R)

2) Angered when I saw a woman sitting contentedly on the bus, not the least bothered about the poor old lady standing weakly next to her, clinging desperately to the metal poles for her dear life. No conscience is it?

3) Totally emotional everytime I hear Eminem belt out "hailey's song" for his daughter. Or Nash's "Syurga di wajahmu". Jiwanggg.

4) Jubilant everytime I make my grandfather laugh.

5) Frustrated everytime Hidir (my tuition kid) doesn't do his homework.

6) Highly amused everytime he talks rubbish. Or when his sister tries to cover up for him.

One recent 'Hidir talks rubbish' scenario:

Me: -Opens assessment book, stares at the blank pages- HIDIR!! You didnt do your homework!

Hidir: *pause*(Possibly thinking of the best possible excuse, b4 deciding that feigning ignorance would be best) "Where??"

Me: There!! I've marked these pages for you, right? Why didn't you do them?

Hidir: (Decides to switch tactic, and claim innocence instead) But I did!! Really, I did it yesterday!

ME: -Incredulous face- YEAH, then where did your homework go? It ran away in the middle of the night?!

Hidir: I don't know! But I did!!

-At this point, little Umairah(his sister) aged 5 who was getting bored with HER little book, decides to come to his defense.-

Umairah: He did!!

Me: -Turns to her with an even more incredulous face- "Did what?"

Umairah: Did,*pause*(confused) [Hidir whispers "Homework lah"] He did his homework!

Me: Ok, did you see him do it?

Umairah: -with a sheepish and shy smile, shakes head- "NO"

hahahahaha, how to be angry like that? Wanna lie also, dunno how to. Hehe, damn cute!

'Hidir-talks- rubbish' Scenario 2

Me: Hidir, what does this word mean? (Points to the word "ballet")

Hidir: Um..Oh, Something you wear around your waist.

Me: huh?

Hidir: Ya la, the one that you can tie around your stomach there.

Me: WHAT! Read the word out loud please.

Hidir: Belt LAH, -Looks at my highly amused, but trying not to laugh face, then looks back at book- "OH, ballet."

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ME: Ok, nevermind, so what do ballerinas wear when they dance?

Hidir: -With the most incredulous look, making it seem as if that was the Planet's Stupidest Question EVER- "BALLET T-SHIRTS LAH!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Tutu lah!

Hidir:HUH? But I've never heard of that word before! :D

7) Excited whilst waiting for the chocolate fondue yesterday.

8) Nauseous after the fondue session.

9) Peaceful when I sit at the beach and look up at the stars.

10) Hyped up when I imagine myself dancing to Cat De Luna's song in a morning jam-packed bus headed to Shenton Way. (I'm so gonna do that one day, nvm if I have to write a long letter to the Minister of Trasnport on why it is important to show the morning crowd HOW to ease up.

when it is easy to accuse, do you join the crowd to mock?

Okay, time for updates. Its been some time since I last updated. I've been dead tired lah these past few days, what with reaching home close to midnight for three consecutive days. I need sleep, badly! Somehow time flies when you're working, no correction, time flies when you're trying to rest, but crawlsss LIKE. A. TURTLE. that had a snail for a father when ur working. Whatever. But you get my drift. OH, and I've rebonded my fringe! Not to the front as bangs like I did the last time, this time to the side, the first day it looked alot like Rihanna's one(ya that ella ella eh eh eh girl), but I swear even rebonding is at the mercy of my curly curly mee maggie hair genes, and today, 3 days on and i SWEAR its slightly wavy already. But i like it, maybe i'll put photos up, for those who care enough.:D

Anyway, I've been pushing the updating of my blog aside because I really wanted to blog about the lecture I attended last Monday after work, the one about feminism and Islamic fundamentalism- entitled: "Secular Feminism and Politics of Empire: Islam and the War on Terror" by Prof. Saba Mahmood. She's a professor from the University of Berkeley but hails from Egypt. Her views were insightful and evoked a great deal of after-thoughts, though there were some views of hers that I felt were debatable.

Just to encapsulate the one and a half hour lecture, Prof. Saba believed that the Bush Administration was of the opinion that the only way feminism could be inspired and championed in many seemingly female- discriminating Muslim nations is by overthrowing the Islamic fundamentalists who have indomitable power in these countries. Well its saddening really to think that the World at large is of the opinion that Islam, as a religion that is commonly associated to these fundamentalists) are neccesarily discriminating against the female gender. Many forget to draw the line between cultural and Islamic practices.

Like for instance, the simple customary practice of wearing the burqa, that is common amongst the middle eastern women. Notice the word 'customary", meaning non-obligatory, but thats besides the point, because most importantly, it is not deemed obligatory by Islam. That is NOT to say that we Muslim women are not obliged to cover our hair and chest for modesty's sake, but that a burqa (that covers one from head to toe, even her eyes, is really not necessary). The middle eastern muslim women have just gotten so accustomed to wearing the burqa, that the idea of taking it off, even when they had the chance to, like in Afghanistan after the overhaul of the Talibans, was too outrageous a thought to take to the next level. Yet, the burqa has lately been the icon of the "repressive" lives of the Middle Eastern women, urging many to jump to the conclusion that removing the burqa would be a symbolic move in defeating the fundamentalists and a great leap in the fight to champion for equal rights.

Whilst it may still be excusable for the many narrow minded, ignorant Americans to jump to the conclusion that Islam is a religion that does not propagate equality of rights amongst the two genders, it is disheartening and very disturbing to note that renowned, learned individuals like MARGARET ATWOOD ( the true feminist herself) is of the very same opinion! Those who read The Handmaid's Tale" for A-level Lit, would know what a brilliant writer she really is. Yet, many well respected individuals like her, who I would expect to be more open minded of Worldly events and issues like religion, and therefore be free of harbouring stereotypical views pertaining to Islam, are in actual fact of the same opinion- that Islam is really against equality of the gender rights.

You know at times like this, I have this earnest wish to go learn so much more about Islam and feminism, just so I can enlighten them of their misperceptions. It is not that I cannot understand why the world at large views Islam in the suspicious and accusatory way that they do. But even if a whole group who call themselves Muslims commits the most heinous act of all, does that mean that all Muslims deserve to be condemed, or that it is necessarily Islam-the religion of love and peace, that is to be blamed? It is easy to jump to conclusions, I hope and pray that one day atleast they will see Islam for what it truly is, one that not only emphasises on the need for equality but for love of humanity.

Worst thing

I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK!!!!
My boss has the most freakish, out of this world, constipated, loud ALIEN monstrous, scary, goat-like laughter that goes like that: Yeeahhahahawahehehewakeeeeyeaaahaawahayeahhhhh!!!!!

That's like red indian- turned monkey-no-godzilla-with alien-lineage-goat eater kinda laughter.

SERIOUSLY! WHO LAUGHS LIKE THAT! AT GROUND SHAKING VOLUME SOME MORE.

I ALMOST DIED, not just from the cardiac arrest that came with the shock but because out of courtesy, I had to muffle, stifle, squash my mouth up to squishhhh that laughter that was DYING to get out.

SCARY shit. Be calm, my heart.

Misunderstood

I'm often amazed by the extent to which people and their actions can be misunderstood and misintepreted. A simple act of goodwill for instance (like praising someone) can be misjudged and misintepreted as an act of boot-licking, or questions driven out of true care and concern may be deemed as busy-bodiness. In fact, lately, it seems like so many of us have been infected by the cynical SUPERbug, leading us to choose the worst possible motive as the motivation for one's actions, when many a times, the truth is that these actions and words were driven by no other ulterior motive other than that embodying genuine goodwill. It has come to a point where compliments occasionally fall under the Taboo section of what-not-to-say.

I was listening to the radio sometime back about how nowadays, one of the biggest Taboos, (according to quite a reliable survey), is that Men often hold themselves back from complimenting a female colleague, because most of the times, it is miscontrued immediately as having a hidden lets-get-into-bed agenda. I was thinking to myself how wrong those DJs and surveyors must be, because women cannot be so shallow-minded, BEFORE umpteen of women listeners (SADLY) expressed their agreement. I find this rather discomforting. Sure, there may be perverts around whose clandestine fantasies may involve taking you to bed, but let's not jump to conclusions all the time, shall we? I'd still like to believe that we women are really not that narrow minded, and that it just so happened that most of the female listeners tuned in that morning, were really the exception.

Or, perhaps, they had had really bad past experiences to make them eye every compliment laid their way suspiciously. There is more to it, I'm sure and (would like to believe). But, again, like many other phenomenas, it starts with the self. How it is really up to you, what you want to think, what you want to make out of one's words and actions and how you're going to go about with your words and actions. I have often been pressured to hold back and limit my words and actions to conform to the expectations of others' or simply to avoid being misunderstood. But, I know that what others' think shouldn't really get to me, because if I'm genuine and I'm certain of what I'm doing, what others may feel is really unimportant.

Its not all that easy though is it? Its like claiming your view is right even if the whole world thinks otherwise. The strength in numbers. Like how now, it seems like everyone is out to view everyone else's actions and words in the negative light, and how I'm the one of the few ones who don't ( I hope not).

I'm still trying to overcome that insecurity of being "misunderstood" everytime I praise someone or everytime I do something that is at risk of being misunderstood. Today onwards , I vow to be more forthcoming with my views, with my words, my compliments and I will try my best to shed away this insecurity of being misunderstood because only then will I be completely truthful with myself. And, if you're anything like me, let's do this together. Free yourself of these inhibitions that the others have imposed on you, let's just be honest and say it like we feel it is.

Okay, I would feel completely liberated already, if not for the tight XS corset I have on, that doesn't seem to want to stop squeezing the dear life out of me, not until I become a size XS for life, maybe. :)