emotional turbulence

I just returned from Tan Tock Seng with my mum, after visiting my grandfather. He looks a little better than he did yesterday, Alhamdulillah..:) Seeing him taken care of, and recuperating is comforting. A far cry from the state he was in last Sunday when he laid on the floor, weak, helpless and in so much pain, that only silence could describe its immensity. I will never be able to forget that moment. Seeing my grandfather the only father figure I've known lying helplessly on his side with his head inches from the metal dressing table, was both devastating and frustrating.
Heart-wrenching because this was a man who had done all that was possible to fill the void my father had left, with his pure grandfather's love and frustrating because I had not been there to prevent him from falling and because I could not get him back on his bed. In my frustration, I broke the all-time paramedics' Golden rule of not moving anyone who's just fallen, for I half-dragged, half-carried him with as much gentleness as I could afford, to get him back on his bed. Realising how weak he was, and how much weaker I felt when I could barely move him, proved to be one heck of an emotional moment. All in the same instant, I vowed to work on my arm muscles the next time, silently cursed at my other family members who didn't seem to be as concerned, and questioned God repeatedly of the fairness in the whole situation whilst furiously blinking tears away, whispering soft words of encouragement to my grandfather, praying that the tears didn't give away the emotional turbulence I was feeling.

Later when the paramedics' carried him away on that orange stretcher, and drove off, I realised I hadn't told him how much I loved him. There was this foreboding worry, for what if that had been the last chance for me to see him.
That night, I prayed to God, telling him that I wouldn't mind losing all my friendships, or even failing my exams the next time round, if it means that I can still have my grandfather. Childish trade offers driven by desperation, in the hope of stalling fate.

But thanks to Allah, I have had the chance to see my grandfather, and sitting down next to his hospital bed last night and again today, listening to him rattle on about how cruel the Japanese were during WW2, or of the "close" friendship my grandfather claims to have with lee kuan yew (all because their soccer teams had competed ONCE), or even of the incident long long ago, when my grandfather being the tell-tale that he is (READ:PREFECT), told on a couple he caught smooching in school, insisting that his doing had convinced the principal to do away with the co-ed system in school (yeah right!), fills me with so much joy and never fails to amuse me. :D My grandfather's damn cute lah. He's a darling!

I thank you, Allah for blessing me with such adorable and loving grandparents and apologise for questioning your doing. I know that Life has its ups and downs, and this is perhaps one of the trying moments you have had predestined for me. I pray for your forgiveness Ya Allah, for I am weak when it concerns my loved ones, and blinded by emotions, I often say things i don't mean. Guide me through these trying moments, and keep my grandparents in the best of health and close to you for these final years of their lives. And should it be time for them to go, let them leave in the best possible way, with minimal pain and suffering, and leave us with the fond memories of these 2 whom we will dearly miss.